And So it began

"ONCE UPON A TIME"....there came along this little lump...insignificant really when you compare it to the entire world of lumps. That is, right up to the point that it wasn't...insignificant I mean............... and so began my journey.

A NEWER SHADE OF I more then SURVIVE...I am learning to THRIVE...

OF COURSE... we all know things are bound to get a little crazy with a surprise around most every corner...not to mention an assortment of bumps and bruises along the way...but I am ever thankful for them all...they have all made me who I am. So buckle up, hold on tight and enjoy the ride thru what I lovingly refer to as LIFE

Tuesday, February 19, 2013 I am a day late....but regardless....I thought I would repost this picture and wish everyone

This  post is dedicated to those we love and those our loved ones have just lost so suddenly

     This has been a difficult week for a couple of dear people in my life and gave me a moment to reflect on those loved ones I have lost and revisit my truth surrounding loss and death and what comes next.
     When a death comes so suddenly (even not so suddenly) into our lives we are overwhelmed and just go into "auto pilot" because as women we are always making sure others around us are's that mothering gene we are all born with.  When in actual fact we should allow ourselves to feel the grief and loss and then get up and move ahead.  Having lost both my parents and VoR's mom many years is safe to say....I didn't do such a great job at that.  I focused on everyone else so I didn't have to come face to face with what had happened. It was great in the beginning but eventually as is the rule of gotta sit back and face it all.  That is when I came to this crossroad moment...
- let it define my life
-let it destroy my life
-find the strength to stand
- learn the lesson it could teach me.
     I decided I needed to stand up and find the lessons....then I could learn them.  It was time to put my money where my mouth was and decide IF I really believed what I had spent my life saying I believed.... DEATH is NOT the is ONLY the next step/return to my eternal home and the  loved ones waiting to greet me. Because my elder brother Jesus Christ atoned for my (and every ones) sins we will be resurrected....reuniting our perfected body and spirit becoming one forever.  You here isn't intended to last forever and if your bodies weren't subject to aging we would be stuck in this imperfect state without the ability to grow and become all that our Heavenly Father intended us to be. It's important for us left behind to remember that it's okay to feel that great loss...We can't help but long to hear the voice, see the beautiful face, feel the presence of and long for the touch the ones we lost.  Even with the secure knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, it doesn't really replace the longing, loneliness we feel but it does soften the pain...

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Indulge me for a brief moment....
I just have to say I have the 3 most beautiful granddaughters!!!
HoP - scrunchy little babe...BeB - the funniest little person and MmH - an amazing young woman....they all grow so fast!! I just need to publicly thank their parents for the amazingly loving Moms and Dads they are....Blessings to us all.

Well... now for the nitty gritty update...

I started radiation on Friday....the last step of treatment!!!  It was painlessly weird...for the first time in all this journey and treatments/appointments I was completely alone.  The nurses/tech came in to get me all set up...that was an adventure for sure.  They have you lay "dead" weight on the table...let your body completely relax into the table and they shift (more like push and shove) you into the perfect alignment as per the doctor's instructions and computer measurements.  The toughest is just getting past the urge to help them shift you around...but once they have you in place....DO NOT MOVE!!  you can breath normal but don't move...and by the way...keep your head WAY BACK!! They have to be able to zap your lymph nodes by your collar bone and not get your neck in the way.

They zapped me a total of 12 times from many different directions and angles...with 2 of the zaps considerably longer then the rest but they are don't feel anything (for about 10 they say) but I have proven to be "THAT 1%" so I expect to feel effects any day and probably worse then your average joe.

Since this is a 5 times a week deal I have had some amazing friends call and offer to be my "drivers" over the next 5 weeks.  You will never know what that loving kindness has meant to me!!!


Monday, February 4, 2013

      Seriously......I should be feeling better by now (3 wks past chemo) with many things associated with this can't compare your journey and hope to mimic it...&...your body gets destroyed differently than anyone else’s so it will take its own time and process to rebuild. For real!!! I thought I would bounce right back and get skads of stuff done in this 4 week period before radiation....WRONG!!!! I am "butt draggin pooped" it is back to naps that suddenly hit right out of the blue

     I know my appetite hasn't missed me too much cause it's still I quickly discovered trying to eat a strawberry....on the upside...I can handle tomatoes (in uber small doses & not often). But I have a fav oriental soup...tried it last night....ROOKIE MOVE.....yes I was really sick. It didn't give me any "icky taste/flavor" eating it but soon as I was done. Sadly...nausea has seemed to take up permanent residence with me....not happy & migraines have shifted into high gear (especially in the evening) all my big plans for this "time off"....RETHINK the POSSIBLE.

      I have to tell you....I am a smidge busier then I have been in the past. Remember that I told you this gift of BLOGGING (computer knowledge to do it all) came about because of a calling (assignment) I was given in church last year to teach an online religion class (Old Testament) to students 14-18 who all lived out of town. The terror I felt and the VERY limited computer skills made this look like trying to climb Everest. I know I could never consider trying to learn all this (including how to do Power Points and then present them to the class over the net using Meeting Place) needed skills all alone so I turned to prayer and the Savior to help lift this burden and terror. Within 3 weeks I was jumpin around the class sight and commenting back to the kids (that is when I decided to type like I think/talk and not get all "fruffy") Talk about Power Points....I have made some INCREDIBLE slides for class and some for the Blog (see the top) and I give all the praise to the Lord and thank Him for the generous gift of healing my mind and having it all make sense to me.

     Sadly when I got sick they removed me from my class so I could focus on me and getting better and so I have REALLY missed it but have found new uses for it just doing pictures for people and this blog. Now wouldn't you know that 3 wks ago...VoR was asked to teach a religion class for 18-30yr olds and you guessed it.....I am creating all his PP for his class..duh!!! I'm a smidge rusty so I have taken what "AWAKE TIME". I have but overall....I gotta be honest and say I LOVE IT!!! and it helps that I still "WOW" him with them. That is the part I love about our are always given callings that stretch and make you grow and prepare you for other opportunities you could never see coming

Friday, February 1, 2013

     First off.....Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this....I truly thought that the "tired" part of this mess would be done when the chemo was done....WRONG!!!  I am beginning to feel like I have more energy.....right up to the point when I get up to do something....then suddenly "my get up and go has got up and went" I nap (or at least lay down).  I will try to be more consistent...but until radiation is promises.

      When I started this journey I heard about getting to the point that you suddenly feel lost...I didn't believe them.  How could anyone ever feel lost/abandoned when the entire medical field is working for and on you at an alarming pace and you are seeing your oncologist every week....WELL...I am a believer!!!!  It is really strange to be out of the regimental schedule of chemo every two weeks.  Your life just gets into such a routine and you get so used to seeing the same nurses every time (not to mention the home care nurses that visit every second day) that you get to form a strong but short term friendship with them and so when that is suddenly miss them and feel like suddenly everyone has forgotten you.  Your oncology appt goes from every week to "see you in 4 months" and you are left to your own defenses....except for those 5 weeks of radiation.  You end up in a void and don't really know who you are supposed to turn to for your health care now.  Seriously....oncology, family doctor, radiation or surgeon???  Let's be real....just because treatment is over....the side effects are most certainly not!!!  I have been nauseated every single day, not to mention tired, feeling like I have a head cold, oh ya.....the migraine....just my little bonus cause it can just pop up anytime and stay for as long as it wants...ARGGG!!! 

     As a result of your major surgery (missing a boob) and all the gallons of  toxic sludge they have pumped thru you at a short period of time...your body just has some weird things happening so questions pop up....this is when you feel lost and confused as to which of you medical team do you call now. 

     I have finally broken it down to this...
          - missing boob issues - Oncology
          - skin burns/breakdown - Radiation
          - heart concerns - Cardio-Oncology
          - removal of other boob - Surgeon
          - everything else - Family Doctor

     It feels really strange to dance in this mind field that you need to divide yourself into so many specialties. Life was so simple before this little life altering TROLL took up residence and I am beginning to see that he will always be part of my life and in the back of my mind!!