And So it began

"ONCE UPON A TIME"....there came along this little lump...insignificant really when you compare it to the entire world of lumps. That is, right up to the point that it wasn't...insignificant I mean............... and so began my journey.

A NEWER SHADE OF I more then SURVIVE...I am learning to THRIVE...

OF COURSE... we all know things are bound to get a little crazy with a surprise around most every corner...not to mention an assortment of bumps and bruises along the way...but I am ever thankful for them all...they have all made me who I am. So buckle up, hold on tight and enjoy the ride thru what I lovingly refer to as LIFE

Friday, November 14, 2014

- PART 2 -

LEST WE FORGET - All our BLESSINGS & the MIRACLES in our lives.


How often does life get in the way and we become too distracted by all the "stuff" that is our lives and we go day to day just going thru the motions so mindlessly that we don't even remember what we did?  We have all  had the conversation with someone (I had one with my brother yesterday)and they ask "what you have been up to?" and you can't come up with a single thing?  All the days roll into each other and we can't even remember what we had to eat?  I will admit I have spent the better part of almost a year with my eye off the ball & getting hi-jacked by all the "stuff"...especially the post cancer/chemo mess your body is left in & not truly cherishing the gift of healing and life itself that once again has been given me.  I've been whiney & over focussed on trying to get answers to pains and aches that I never will...blah blah blah....leaning WAY over into the "I can't anymore", "I'll never again", "what next" head space instead of acknowledging all my personal little victories....and there have been many.  Nothing that anyone else would notice or care about but to me they were HUGE!!!  

Ya....I still ache really bad all the time and most day have the energy of a sloth....nope, that might even be a stretch....but time to dig myself out of the trench and put on my big girl panties and find something everyday to be rejoice over....start to celebrate the little small stuff cause honestly....the big stuff if just too far out on my grasp....FOR NOW!!

  EVERY minute of every day is a Gift & Blessing ....Our Life, Time itself, Easy & Hard times, Family, Friendships....& OUR FREEDOMS


Thursday, November 13, 2014


I know you may think I am a couple days late with this one....but trust me...I AM NOT.


What a most powerful set of words that instill a world of reflection and emotion.  WE use them with love, respect & thankfulness especially toward our Vets & also our Active Duty Service men & women, our Police forces & our First Responders - all of whom serve & protect us and our peaceful way of life with such selfless diligence and sacrifice.

LEST I FORGET - As I have gotten (really almost obsessed) involved in my family history and researching my ancestors I have identified 14 BRAVE men in just one branch of our family tree that proudly served in both WWs and thankfully returned home again...(I have other branches that were not so blessed).  I know of these other branches but most of these 14 men I have been able to personally connected to my line & so have a more emotional/personal connection to. 

As I have pondered over them and the struggles I know they went thru both during and after service, those 3 words powerful words took on a broader scope and became more meaningful for me...

LEST WE FORGET - All our own personal battles and wars that we have had to stand and face head on & what life meant to us in those moments. Remember all the lessons and moments of wisdom we gained because of them. 
  •  Have we put what we learned into practice?  
  • Is our live and outlook better?
  • Have we atleast changed from where we started? 
  • Are we actively still in the fight but seeing it from a new perspective & place of strength?
LEST WE FORGET - Others in their own battles...dug into the trenches - fighting day to day.  There are so many silent warriors in our own circles who are out there fighting for their own lives, their families, or with themselves.....
  • REMEMBER them in our prayers
  • ENCOURAGE them everyday
  • FIGHT with them if we must
  • MARVEL at their strength 
  • BUT DON'T let a day go by that we don't think of them because not too long ago they were just regular folks like us!!!
Find them & reach our - they feel alone....but they don't have to.....(TBC...)

  Love shared is multiplied & Battles shared are lessened                                                     

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Time (Life)  just seems to have a way of moving along whether we acknowledge it or not & Mine has turned into this strange mix of flying by and standing still at the same time....So many strange mixes of feelings, emotions and sensations all rambling in together.  My days just flow one into the next without much change or much to show for it really.  I feel busy but I am stationary, ambitious but exhausted, relaxed but ever mindful of the pain that has become my constant companion, wishful but fatigued,  healthy & alive but drained & quietly resigned.

I've spent some time just looking at my life & deciding I am needing to just LET GO.  I need to stop pounding/smashing my head against that brick wall that is filled with the "I used to..." frustration and try to peacefully embrace the "Now I can...".  I often feel very alone and unsure & mostly unwilling (VERY unenthusiastic about it) to face this concept to pick up the scattered & shattered pieces of what's left of "ME" & see what can emerge from the rubble.  When I started this journey what I thought the view from this side would be couldn't have been more wrong.  As everyone says..."no two cancer journeys are the same" but when you start yours you grab hold of the "best parts" of every one else's KNOWING you will never be the "the worst parts".  There are just soooo many things "NO ONE TOLD ME"

  • No one told me -  about your body & mind being in constant warfare
  • No one told me - that at the other side of treatment your body ages at least 10 yrs
  • No one told me - that my already hot internal temperature would be turned up and I would be turned into my own combustion engine
  • No one told me - that I would be that .0001% that has all the "rare" effects & that doctors wouldn't have any real answers or sincere interest in solving/explaining the issue get passed back and forth becoming a human ping pong ball 
  • No one told me - that pain, nausea and horrid taste buds would be an indefinite  24/7 reality
  • No one told me - how unfocused & frazzled you would be over the smallest details
  • No one told me - that I would be an emotional boob over every little thing
  • No one told me - no one would really understand me, my feelings, what I am trying to say or what I really mean or that they even really want to (see above issue....sigh)
  • No one told me - that my brain, thoughts, ideas, goals, ambitions....feelings of  "I can/wanna problem" is all communicated in a totally new language that my body no longer understands and has no interrupter.
  • No one told me - that my physical shape would be so altered & will NEVER (no matter how hard I try or what I do...) be the same or ever capable of rebounding.  That every molecular system inside my body & mind has changed from it's original design and working parameters & will never approach, react, or respond to anything the way it used to.
  • No one told me - that no matter how hard I worked & how positive my attitude & how great my faith there will come a time when I will struggle with acceptance of all things new, different & difficult
  • No one told me - the pressure imposed in being  positive & the weight of guilt over lacking it daily
  • No one told me - that even with my faith never wavering & my gratitude for the immeasurable list of miracles in my life & knowing this is God's plan for me...that there are lessons I need to learn. Sometimes I need to remind myself that most of His lessons come with a HUGE learning curve & I sometimes just don't feel up to the task at hand.  
  • No one told me  - that knowing that God is walking this with me & the unceasing support of VoR that I would ever struggle with any of these feelings.  
NO ONE TOLD ME....That there is & never will be anything "Normal" about this "New Normal"

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

     There are soooo many thoughts and emotions rushing around in my head today!!!  I have been trying to make enough sense out of them to share them but I am not entirely sure that I will be successful....but here goes nothing....

     I remember the total Non-shock it really was when I got the call from the doctor....(we women instinctively know when something is wrong....when we choose not to ignore all the signs)....followed by a momentary flash of getting a REAL feel of my own mortality and what it REALLY would mean to be gone from everything and everyone....realizing that life would go on without you no matter how big and important you think you are in the lives of all of those around you. It was indeed a MOST SOBERING few minutes that if I allow myself to reflect on (even for a second) floods me with all the fear, loss and tears again like the first is a door I try with all my power NOT to allow myself access just too raw.

     I think of what I thought life would be like after all the chemo and radiation was over and frankly....I saw things differently.  I had just lost 30+ lbs and was in what I would call WAY BETTER shape then I had been for years and on a roll to continue my "New Me before 50" so I just assumed this "little boob issue" would sideline me for a short time and then life would get back into step.  How horribly wrong I many things I never saw coming. I am not saying that I  am not  EXTREMELY BLESSED and THANKFUL that I am here and breathing and so VERY ALIVE....I am just saying that the "bounce-back" I anticipated.....well.... I guess my ball was flat!!! Did you know that flat balls don't bounce so well?!?!?!  I must have missed that gym class....sigh!!!!

   As a result I pushed myself too hard & not hard enough because of the whole waiting on immigration/wedding thing.  I didn't get involved in any of the great post-treatment programs and so I tried to do way too much way too soon after treatment and burned myself out. My body wasn't ready to be out there trying to keep up with my pre-cancer workout routine.  I was never one to be out in the hot sun but suddenly thought that walking 60-90mins a day at a ridiculously fast pace was the smartest way to get back on track.  That lasted about 4 months and then the joints just revolted and haven't stopped since. I just TRULY expected to be as strong and healthy as I was before...that this would all flush out of my system quickly  and leave no footprint on my cells.  AS IF?!?!?  So I think my recovery actually suffered and there are still all those issues (included in my last entry & then some) I thought would be WAY gone by now.   I don't mean to sound whiny...just being honest and laying out the facts  & catching you up

     BUT OHHHH THE BLESSINGS!!!  There have been some incredible moments.  I have never felt my Savior closer or less alone then in those months along side that disease.  I never stepped one step by my self...I knew He was there ready to lift and carry me if I couldn't take the step alone.  My spirit soared with the love I received from all of you and I felt all your support....I have felt that void since I have been silent on this end.  I read a GREAT quote the other day....
"A Joy shared is a Joy multiplied
A Sorrow shared is a Sorrow divided"
It is soooo true!!!  The sorrow that can be this disease was divided into so many small pieces by all of you that it never became overwhelming.....for that I THANK YOU!!!!  So...take a minute and feel good about your role in my means more then you know

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Well....where to begin?!?!?!?  It has been more than a few months since I touched base with anyone and sadly that means my blog family as well.  It has been a long and difficult 18 months for us and Random Wisdom.....but so worth every second as she and Spitt were able to finally get hitched the end of was 16 months after they filed the immigration papers. 

 As you can imagine...once we got those papers we went in to "max overdrive"  She and I were gone with in 3 wks and I wasn't back home until the middle of April then gone again the 1st of May for a "sisters get away" for a week (which can I just say was AMAZING!!!!)...we are so far apart in ages and live in multiple countries so this was the first time we did this....I sure REALLY hope it isn't the last.  So you can see by the time I got home in May....I was a total write off.  The change in stress on all of us is a beautiful more hurry up and wait for the coin to drop.  What is most important is that they are very happy and loving the life they are creating not a baby....just their life....seriously people!!! (and they missed all the tornados this season).  She has had to wrap her head around the fact that she has had 2 months of 100+* weather and summer has just barely started.

I have come to the conclusion that my nasty little friend "The Troll" is just turned into "the gift that keeps on giving"  Every time I turn around something else is wrong, or sore, or not working like before ...and don't even get me started on the nausea and taste buds issue.  In theory it should be all back to normal by now but then they remind me I am that .1% so there really is no answers or time frames they can give me on most stuff.  It is incredibly frustrating but I am getting used to just "living with it" is what it is and it can either ruin my life and run me or I can live my life and refuse to let it have control....I am proud to say 99% of the time I win.  I can’t say I have done very well where my left wrist is concerned.  It has been EXTREMELY sore to the point of not being able to use my left hand at all since NOV.  I have been to doctors, emergency room, specialists and no one can really figure it out.  I have one more specialist in July then ….I think I my just gnaw it off at the elbow!!!!  It feels like it’s broken in multiple places but at the last xray my bones looked perfect…I got nothing….I just know how bad it gets and I think I am a pretty tough old bird but let me tell you….one wrong move and the pain will drop me to my knees and open the tear flood gates.  Oh well….I guess time will tell….only 30 more sleeps til the specialist appointment….argg!!!!

I have gotten my self organized and gotten hooked on some new projects and the days just fly by.  I have been re-bitten by the Genealogy & Family History bug....BIG TIME!!!!  I have been starting to piece my family together from my 2nd Great-Grandpa down thru each of his children and their children so we can have a full and complete picture of our family tree.  So far in the last 6 wks I have found 58 family members and been able to put families back together.  It is SUCH fun work and so rewarding.  I also spend 1 day a week indexing….usually 150 records (reading old hand written records and typing them up so they are available to others who are searching for family) I have been doing that for a few years (census, military, probate & estate records, etc)  It has sure help me in being able to read old records with bad penmanship….there is a lot of that.  I also feel like I am able to give back to all those other indexers that have made records available for me to find. 
A little “Pay it forward”

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

We are really seeing the light at the end of this long tunnel....
and thankfully it's NOT an on coming train!!!
Time to buckle down/seriously get some focus/get all those ducks in a row and get ready for a serious


I will catch you all with updates...
on the flip side!!!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

As you can see from has been a little on the CRAZY side for the last few months....ok...who am I kidding....16 months!!!  Now add on to that the whole cancer thingy and's been a wild ride.  We are finally in sight of the finish line but she still has the biggest and most daunting hurdle still ahead of her.

When this is all over....and this "fat lady sings " I will write a book (not really) but will attempt to catch you all up with what has been going on and what lies ahead for me and my still unaddressed  recovery plans & programs.  I have discovered that there is WAY more to this "post chemo/cancer" recovery then I ever could have imagined....a long story for another day...after all the wedding dust settles


This is about Random Wisdom and her ongoing need for your prayers, positive vibes, wishes on falling stars, shout-outs to "lady luck", etc....   She has been dealing with months of stress that only sheer stupidity....TOTAL incompetence of so called  "professionals" can cause with this immigration issue.  The idea of physically sitting in that interview (hello "Proposal" have all seen the movie) alone at the mercy of a single officer's good/bad becoming an overwhelming reality.  All the "I's" are dotted and "T's" crossed but I can only imagine the stress she feels going into this biggest "exam" of her life...I see the pressure she is under daily.  Add onto all that....trying to plan a wedding that can't be finalized (booked even until after that Feb date) but needs to be addressed....she is holding up pretty good.  Okay...I'm gonna just say it.....Bridezilla has not reared her ugly head much around here all things considered...phew!!!  From where I sit....planning headquarters....the stars are all aligning to be a beautiful wedding day for them...sigh!!!

Thanks for all your love, support & continued prayers for myself and my family...we feel them!!!