"Once upon a time"....there came along this little lump...insignificant really when you compare it to the entire world of lumps. That is, right up to the point that it wasn't...insignificant I mean...............andSobegins My Journey
I can't begin to tell you how deeply I love words.
At any given moment they can produce such an array of emotions in me.
Anyone who really knows me...or even just reads this blog on a regular basis has long since figured out that I am a "QUOTE HOARDER"...(not in those crazy over the top TV hoarders kind of way)....but I have a SERIOUSLY HARD TIME passing any quote that sparks some response in me...signs...wood, vinyl...you name it....I am drawn to anything with words on it. My family could tell you about the piles (ok...files, boxes & computer folders) filled with quotes I have collected & stuck up random places over the years - my scripture front pages are filled with ones that have sparked gospel understanding or have moved my spirit. I don't really have any particular subject or style that I gravitate to....they can range from goofy & funny to deep & thought provoking...but somehow, somewhere & someway on some day they all have had a profound effect on me.
They have often sparked different emotions & insights as I have read them...depending on what I need...sometimes giving them an entirely new meaning. It isn't that the words have changed but my need to learn & understanding has. Those moments are such tender mercies...when I feel those words move me I & I know the Holy Ghost is speaking to my mind & my heart, bringing insight to my spirit. I have felt the stirrings in my soul & the burning in my bosom testifying to me the things vital to me & my journey on this earth.
Let me give you a few examples of those random phrases that have crossed the void I call my brain in the last little while...
"Family First or First Family?"
"Questioning vs Murmuring"
I'm not gonna tell you anymore about them. Over the next few posts I will share what some of them did for me & their effect on the very root of my life and faith. What I really want is for you to just live with them for a little while and see what emotions or thoughts they invoke in you....have some fun with them & maybe learn something about yourself in the process...make some notes....here are some "jumping off" ideas you...
Did they spark anything?
Did I feel the urge to give them more consideration?
What are my first thoughts/impression of them?
What other meanings do they have to me?
Were they really just words & phrases?
Lets get personal for a second (forget the effect on others for a minute) and just look in the mirror and consider....
Do YOU ever stop to think how the words you see, hear & use effect YOU?
Do you just using them every second but never really giving them a second thought?
I have to say....without the big day-to-day cancer experiences to share....I have spent a lot of time pondering the merits of keeping this blog going. I wondered what...if anything I would have to say without this turning in to that (let's just be honest for a second) pointless & dreaded over-share evil we call...
Ain't nobody got time for all that crazy!!!
Then as I pondered long and hard about it I decided (mostly selfish) that even if no one else needed this....I STILL DID. It has blessed my life with the great gift of looking at my life and taking the time to sit back and ponder...just being more self-aware. It is very therapeutic/cathartic for me to put my mutterings onto "paper"....it can be a smidge unnerving if I stop & think about the fact that other people take the time to read it....OYE!
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the little box on the right side under my tree...
just curious if there is life out there...okay I'm done)
I have not filtered or edited my word & thoughts yet....so to be true to myself and the purpose I began this blog in the first place....why start now?? My intent has always been to be open, honest and transparent on these pages....hoping/knowing that my random mutterings may be just what someone needs at some moment in their life. I started 3 years ago with a hope and desire to help someone make it thru this...a place where we both (all) can heal. I have always felt....known if I honestly follow the impression to write, I am prompted to know what to write. The words flow and the post just pours out and it all falls into place but when I strike out on my own or go off on a tangent, I struggle and can spend hours just trying to clean up the mess of singular scattered thoughts. These are always very frustrating and off putting time for me & the reason for most of the long gaps in the past year. The minute I begin to think that I know best....the "airwaves" go silent and it becomes a VERY daunting task so I just walk away. I find that its usually the time I start living in the short term....I begin to feel over involved/stressed/pre-occupied with the stupid little day to day stuff that is brought on by walking around with spiritual blinders on. I feel rushed but stagnant....focused but scattered....still but frantic....accomplished but fruitless... as my mom used to say "More hurry less haste"....the faster and harder you try...the less you get done. Then softly the blinders come off and I feel the sweet whisperings of the spirit. The thoughts begin to pop into my mind and moments of pondering begin to happen again and I am looking for my note book to jot it down before I forget it and the sweet moment of inspiration is lost ....those are the times when I begin to feel most at peace...like the world has returned to it's proper axis...then I sit back and realize once again that I DON"T KNOW BEST...andIhumbly hand the reins of my life back over tothe Master....He who ALWAYS knows best
There are moments in time that you are going along in your own world without giving it a second thought....you have all the time in the world. Then something comes along and reminds us just how precious life is and how truly blessed we are...that life is fragile and a gift that we needs to be lived and loved every second....
Well...as you see...I have just passed my 3 yr mark since this crazy journey began....and it has been some ride!! Sometimes it feels like some crazy dream....I know it may seem hard to believe when you look in the mirror and your a "uniboober" BUT....it really does!!!! At least until you go to get out of a chair or throw that crazy dance party in your kitchen or decide to plant flower gardens around your house for the first time ever....(yup...that was me) and you realize there are WAY more aches then there should be in places you didn't know could hurt...OYE....don't even get me started on the stamina. It has....and continues to be... a HUGE learning curve with new surprises around every corner. Just when you think you have come a mile you realize it's just a few steps and the "old me" is so far out of reach....it's sometimes hard to catch a glimpse of her shadow up ahead. Why is it we always want what we don't have...or had once and let it slip away? "IF ONLY....I could" or "IF ONLY I appreciated it when...then I would.."...is a dangerous slope to get caught on but I admit I balance on it now and then. But don't get me wrong....every step is one more forward on the path of "NOW I CAN/WILL..." with its new set of discoveries and challenges like this little gem for ya...... ...Just when you forget that this is an ongoing disease that my body will always be trying to ward off....some new side-effect caused by that nasty troll shows its face....case in point....Type 2 diabetes. Ya....that was straight out of left field. I was completely blindsided in December with that little nugget and its own set of life changes. For those who are not diabetes-aware...here is a REAL "readers digest" version.....it is caused by pancreas trouble and your body's insulin....in a nut shell.....largely effected by lousy high sugar/carb diet. In my case it was damage to that pancreas from the cancer and chemo.....I was hooped out of the gate...sigh. Now I am sure you all remember my SERIOUS phobia regarding needles or any sharp object poking skin.....ya, well....HUGE LEARNING CURVE....and it wasn't pretty...but I got thru it and I'm okay with it all now...shocking right?!?!?! They like to have your A1C number (average of blood glucose over a 3 month period) at 6.4....mine was 10.8...oops! My finger prick (again like it to be between 4-10) was a staggering 20.8. I was shocked...no wonder I was feeling so lousy. So I got down to business and started watching carbs (my life line while going thru treatment & the year of nausea that followed) and within 3 weeks my prick numbers were 4-6 and at my 3 month check my A1C was 7.2. I just had it done in June and I am 6.0....fyi that is non-diabetes glucose levels. Yup...I am REALLY proud of myself. Now as I have discovered....there is always a hitch when the Troll is involved. Unlike most people when they change their way of eating that you need to make copious amounts of weigh are lost.....NOT SO MUCH...ARGG!!! Always that .2% that doesn't do things like every other normal person. BUT everyone says I look way better that my color is better and I feel better too so really....that when it comes down to it.....is the only thing that really matters I got the call from my family doctor June 29, 2012 @ 2:30pm giving me THE cancer call and as is the usual way little tender mercies happen in your life....I got the call from my oncologist June 29, 2015 @ 2:30pm to tell me all the bone scans, CTs and MRI's I had just done (because she found a tender spot she wanted to investigate) came back clear. I was so thankful for now having that day & hour be something powerful....
Isn't t that what the Gospel is all about? How many examples in the scriptures are there of single moments that have turned someone's life completely around & headed them in a new & better direction? The goal is not to see how far away we can reach from the Iron Rod and still have a finger tip on it...it's to see how firm a grasp we can maintain when everything is crumbling around us and forces are trying to tear us away. How strong is your hold when you are grasping at all the other stuff? Doesn't matter how GREAT we think we are - no one can focus on holding tight with one hand & juggling all the rest with the other....something is eventually gonna give and come crashing down on us & our grip will let go...even if only for a split second...but that's all it takes. I've blogged before about the baggage we haul around...a ton. This time...this year is more about what we need to chuck to spiritually get back to where we want to be - defining the "good" from the "best"...there really is "too much of a good thing". Whenever what you're doing...no matter the noble/good intention...takes over life & removes you from doing the best....it's too much. We really need to keep ourselves spiritually fed daily, listen & heed those promptings when they come...then we are sure to doing better. I read this quote and it really touched me...
I am very often guilty of doing the good & ignoring the best until I really notice that my grip has weakened & I'm holding by a few fingers totally distracted by all the "good stuff" in my day to day life. Here's an example... I have been completely enslaved & engrossed in Family History since June of last year. I have had GREAT success in finding and adding family members to our tree....280 or so. Now that is a WAY GOOD thing to spend my time & energy on BUT what it's done is supplied excuses for me to not do my usual Sunday routine of personal study (the BEST). This is the time I fill my spiritual reserves & tightened my grip on that rod. What I have discovered is that I was beginning to feel the gap & loss of spirituality in all aspects of my life....a real feeling of disconnect with friends, church & motivation...all tracing back to my choice of putting the "good" ahead of the "best". Even the great joy I found in family history in the beginning had started to change to a feeling of a chore. It really always amazes me that when we take a few moments in honest reflection everything becomes clear & your path is clearly laid out before me. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that teaches me repeatedly in such tender and subtle ways...that shows me the truth and constantly redirects me onto the path I need to be on to return to Him. All that is required of me is to just humble myself and slow down.... take the quiet and peaceful moments to learn, listen & heed that still small voice.
What I am talking about....again is chucking off that which weighs us down & makes this journey we are all on that much harder...those balls & chains we insist on dragging around behind us so we can feel justified in the role of the martyr/unrepentant/not good enough/whoa is me character that we have so skillfully created in the story of our life. WELL....time to get ourselves fired from the role and start a new story. We need to get back to the root of the problem and start CHUCKING....
- regrets & do-overs
-lofty hope & dreams (not all of them...just the really ridiculous way out there ones)
-reliving those past moments of greatness
-& the "some day I'm gonna"
Time to get a serious dose of reality about what we really want to accomplish & things we want to do before we leave this earth or circumstances make it impossible to do. What is truly important and what is just stuff...the good, the bad and the better.
We started off the year with a bang....well more like a headache...Vof R had a stoke....yup...kinda really shocked and scared both of us. He is fine but has been left with a couple of blurry spots in his vision...that may or may not correct themselves with time...the brain is kinda funny that way...time will tell. Believe me when I tell you we understand it could have been WAY WAY worse!!! We are both VERY aware of the blessings and what alternatives could have been but what it did...for me at least..showed me how unprepared I am (if I had to) to take over the total running of our home but especially how totally & completely lost I would be without him here!!! I so TOTALLY love & adore this man...more with every breath I take...and I was guilty of taking him and our life together for granted. He is my world and my home.
I may come across as this "everything is under control" & in charge tough granny...but spending those 5 days with him in the hospital I was more the lost puppy aimlessly wondering around not knowing what to do next.....I would be soooo hooped if it had gone the other way.
It also showed me how much time /energy/thoughts I waist on things I can't change, things that are never really gonna happen & how I live my life right now....I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!
The real question is....
-Do I live it with intention?
-Do I sacrifice the great by getting bogged down doing the good?
-What is really important in the end game and what gets pushed back in favor of noble & good pursuits?
-Do I have myself so tangled up in things that I have convinced myself that there is no point trying to change things or start new at this stage in my life?