More Baggage....I warned you I had a full set of luggage
 

 (QUESTION....what is it about this process that once you start peeking in and begin to take a long hard, honest look at what you have hauled around for so long...you begin to see things differently.  The "Aha" moments just keep coming with such regularity that I wonder why I didn't do this decades ago....Hopefully something I share will light a little spark in you too)

 

 Bag #....

(who knows or even really cares....

lets just leave it at...just another in a long line of Bags)...

this one is labeled...

 

 The Self-imposed Guilt...

"MOM GUILT"

 

     After visiting with a bunch of my "mom" friends we were surprised to  discovered that every single one of us had this one bag in common in various forms and intensities.  Needless to say we compared notes and came to agreement on the following...

 Thanks Girls

     Our most common discovery was this biggie...the "if at first it isn't my fault....I will work being sure to twist it around in my head so in the end it ends up being my fault some how".  We may all suffer from this and I don't really think it is exclusively for moms...it just got labelled that way because as moms we have it thrown at us sooooo easily and effectively by those loved ones.  Now...we/I couldn't just lump the rest of it all together because there are so many other things that get  tossed into this because it is and ever evolving and never ending....so here are just a few more common ones we came up with:

• "THE THINGS YOU SAY"- your tone was wrong, your cadence was different, you moved your eyes at the wrong time in the wrong way (maybe rolled them), you didn't comment quick enough, too short or too preachy...etc, etc
• "THE THINGS YOU DID NOT SAY" - so you are out of the target zone...or not wanting to be accused of the last one
• "NOT REMEMBERING" - who said what (if anything), who didn't say what, who said it first (even if it was me...sigh), the decisions/outcome (if in fact one was actually made and not just alluded to).
• "MOTHERHOOD/PARENTING" - nope...I am defiantly not brave enough to crack the top on that Pandora's box...just sayin!!!
• "HOW ALL MY CHOICES HAVE RUINED THEIR LIVES" - being soooo unfair to them and crushing their "agency"
• "NOT SPENDING MONEY" -  on our selves cause we are trying to play they sympathy/martyrs...oh please...it's called priorities
• "WHEN I TAKE TIME FOR ME"- sit and do nothing/missteps even mistakes...I am a HUGE failure and disappointment to them.

 

     I think I covered all the things we talked about....(feel free to add your own "mom guilt" list...I am sure we could collect them all and write a book...a "They say.." 1) cause we all know "They" know everything  and 2) "they" are known to the world...hmmmm... There are so many sub-lists of guilt to choose from because we are constantly but casually gathering those new guilt causes every single hour (sometimes more often).  It is such a harmful vicious downward spiral...I sometimes marvel at our ability to even open our eyes in the morning and face a new day.  We need to be there to help each other realize that we are all in this together and sometimes you just have to sit down shake your head at how ridiculous you are being and laugh like a lunatic til we figure it out.  And that my friends is what popped into my head and has refused to leave til I shared it with YOU.....whoever you are that needed this

 

     I am serious when I tell you that there really are bags full of "stuff" I need to just leave behind me so I can completely move on fearless, but there are some I am not prepared to talk about yet...maybe never....I could just not talk/write about more personal, private & spiritual moments of growth.  I do know that this "unloading of dead weight"  is a HUGE part of our growth and why we are here.  I see that in me....and I know that most women I know, not only struggle with baggage but also with the constant fear of exposure (we only want people to see what we are willing to share)....don't worry...sadly there are way too many of us living with this fear everyday (usually only fooling ourselves) but who proudly haul that bag around on our back for far tooo long.

Again I ask....WHY????

 

                                                        

 

 



Back to the Recovery Wagon business for a minute...

 

I met with my surgeon this week....hold up a second....let me back up a few days.  Wednesday last week I had my first mammogram on my one lonely "girl"...no big deal....I have already been thru the "worst that could happen/biggest fear" that all us women have so whatever.  Then FRIDAY came and a phone call from the hospital telling me "they saw something but they aren't sure what if anything and need to redo the mamm and follow with an ultrasound just to be sure. 

 ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!!!

I will shamefully admit that there were some not so nice things running thru my head.  I ranted and swore (tiny ones) at my surgeon, oncologist, radiation-oncologist....pretty much anyone with medical training that had come near me in the last year.  I had wanted them to take both "girls" right from the beginning and they wouldn't and this is what I get.  It lasted about 5 minutes and then I just threw up my hands looked in the mirror and said "whatever....we have danced this once...whatcha gonna do...shoot the swans?" (name that movie quote).  I concentrated my resolve from before to not let this happen again...this "girl" is just waiting to betray me too and frankly....I won't let her.  After I calmed down and actually thought about it....the redo mamm isn't until the end of Sept....and my file is still probably "red flagged" since it hasn't been a year and so ANYTHING gets a closer look...and if it had been something to worry about they would have hauled my butt in there WAY sooner.

 

Now back to the surgeon appt....he wasn't concerned with the redo....just told me to follow up with oncology for results but he would gladly set me up for a consult with a plastic surgeon to talk about losing "old lefty" and reconstructing the "girls 2.0".  So I got a hold of my Breast Action Group to get some peer support calls and recommendations from other women that have already done this.  I have learned a ton and have narrowed down my search to a couple of doctors.

 

SIDE NOTE....btw....we went away for the long weekend (a road trip) and discovered I still get really car sick....it was 12 hrs of not much fun.  Hopefully over time that corrects itself or I will be ticked...I love road trips...just not this year apparently.....sigh  But I must add that it feels like overnight the weather has turned a page.  No more air conditioner and windows wide open (to the chagrin of other members of this household) it was a balmy 16*c in my house yesterday....needless to say...it didn't take them long to run around after work and shut them...double sigh!!  My favorite part is that the evening smells have gone from onion and garlic loaded BBQs to fireplaces....I LOVE FALL!!!



 

 "It's hard to see where your going when all you focus on is your past"

...NOW...for that DARN REAR VIEW MIRROR!!!

 

I can't tell you when exactly I took on the roll of "BELL HOP" but I know it was WAY BACK!!  I can't/won't tell you about all the heavy bags I have toted around but suffice it to say I have had WAY TOO many over flowing TRUNKS really.  Let me tell you about the one I blew the lid off this last week.  I know it may sound trivial to many of you (and compared to some of my others) but it was a LONG time coming and so for me A BIGGIE!!!

 

 I can't begin to even guess how may decades but for almost as long as I can remember I have been an "on Spec" shopper.  I think it started as I started "borrowing" things from my sister's closet (her stuff was always so much more grown up and cuter - just sayin) & getting to keep the stuff she didn't want.  She is a few years older then me so I hadn't grown completely into them yet - Thus "On Spec" part of my brain was ignited.

 

Now over the years...as with any NORMAL woman...we all experience the "WEIGHT FLUCTUATION"...one year you're the "Barbie doll" (miracles do happen) then the next your "Mrs. Potato Head" (all good things must come to an end...even miracles sometimes)...sigh

 

So...I began buying things thinking I would easily loose those few (sometimes more then a few) pesky pounds and look Fab  I had never really thought to define it until watching an interview with Luther Vandross (sigh...) and he talked about his ever changing weight and how he had created 3 closets in his house. LIGHT BULB MOMENT...sadly not really any bulb I ever wanted to see but at least I wasn't alone.  We had even both named our closets (mine was duffel bags...who really can afford 3 separate closets)

"Fab", "Fatter" & "Whatever"...(cause this is a temporary stop) Well, that temporary stop has been a long and winding road with an extra here and there so of course has the "On Spec" shopping. I will tell you that for the most part....I hate shopping so it doesn't happen often...but it still happens. 

 So now facing the new and very daunting task of finding a "Mother of the Bride" (MOB)dress and having to face myself in a fitting room mirror in all my cancer battled glory (weird chemo hair, those blasted 30lbs and one boob)  I came face to face with ME.  I don't know why this  HUGE light bulb came on for me but I suddenly realized that I had been looking at life - ME - thru a blurry rear view mirror. I saw all the time I had spent wishing and wanting my stupid closet to change...saw all the money I had thrown away over the years on things I had never worn but had taken up room in my closet..."on Spec".  Remembered all those times I had really worked the "Fab" closet & and how easy I had told myself it was gonna be to get there again. Suddenly I was seeing it for what it was....the dead weight baggage I had been faithfully hauling around with me and my skewed view of the past....by closets.

 

Something snapped (into place finally) and I blew the top off this piece of luggage!!! 

 I AM DONE HAULING THIS AROUND ON MY BACK!
 

I walked into my closet with tears on my cheeks....looked around...and started to YANK. I pulled everything out that didn't fit right or make me feel comfortable for one reason or another (losing a boob will do that to ya...just sayin) and made a HUGE pile in the middle of the floor. I can't begin to tell you how it felt...but by the time I had finished my closet and  the "actual" duffel bag of "on spec" clothes in my basement I was crying an entirely different kind of tears. I walked into my almost empty closet knowing I can wear everything in being a confident "Uniboober" is beyond words.  To look at ME thru a clear window not a warped rear view mirror and not making excuses to myself is one of the greatest gifts I have ever given ME!!  (Some of my friends think this was the best gift I ever gave them)

 

Well here I am almost 40 yrs later and what have I FINALLY figured out (slow learner argg)....OLD HABITS DIE HARD & self esteem/weight issues apparently even harder. So ...what I am left with...besides weird chemo hair, those renegade 30lbs and one boob...

....REALLY AMAZING