And So it began
"ONCE UPON A TIME"....there came along this little lump...insignificant really when you compare it to the entire world of lumps. That is, right up to the point that it wasn't...insignificant I mean............... and so began my journey.
A NEWER SHADE OF PINK...now I more then SURVIVE...I am learning to THRIVE...
OF COURSE... we all know things are bound to get a little crazy with a surprise around most every corner...not to mention an assortment of bumps and bruises along the way...but I am ever thankful for them all...they have all made me who I am. So buckle up, hold on tight and enjoy the ride thru what I lovingly refer to as LIFE
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
REALITY vs GIVING UP/SETTLING
Here stands another huge boulder on the bridge of understanding that we need to crumble it before it buries us. As these "our Krap happens", we are faced with 2 completely different options....accept your "new Normal" or live the rest of your life glued to your rear view mirror looking back spending your energy on "I used to..." or "I wish I..." or "I'm never gonna do/be or race thru life like before" All of which are seriously dangerous roadblocks we pile on our backs and then wonder why we crash and burn and sink into self-pity depression.
We can't change who we now are so we need to accept and embrace the "new normal" with all it's new and exciting twists and turns....but don't get me wrong....this is very difficult to do some days and even harder for loved ones to begin to understand. As this journey continues I am constantly trying to learn my new life rhythm/pace and marvel at discovering what NOW makes me happy and brings me peace and joy....and ya....most of it is 180 degrees from where I used to be. I have learned that life is short and precious and we are not invincible, and a lot of the "stuff" I used to fill my life with just doesn't really matter anymore. I live my life for me now....I don't get "guilt tripped" into saying YES to everything and everyone, living at a frantic pace 24/7 always looking to the next thing, and too late realizing that I missed precious NOW moments. I have learned the healing power of peace and embrace the quiet stillness of those moments when the Spirit speaks to your heart as I ponder things I have read or heard or just seeking guidance on my new path of getting to know who I truly am and why I was put on this earth. I treasure those times that just belong to me...that I don't need to justify to anyone or feel guilty cause "I should be doing something else". My life is much calmer and peaceful..NOT a depressed boring hermit and NOT spent feeling sorry for myself or harping on the past.
A New Reality is just that....NEW....and with every "new" there is a learning and growing that happens for not just me but for all those loved ones around me....and sometimes it is hardest on them. I have been thrown head first into a rushing river and had to fight to find my footing while my loved ones have been forced to stand by on the banks and watch...shouting their encouragements but unable to assist me. So as a result of my plunge I see things (life and them) from a different vantage point.... looking back at the shore at them, not standing around them. Those were certainly a couple of huge undertows that tried and almost won the battle to keep me pulled under but my Savior was there helping me find my footing. But I will never see that rushing river in the same way as before....it changed me and my world...my outlook on what is important.....and what brings me true joy and peace......I am not complacent....I am content and savor the everyday miracles acknowledging the Hand of God all around me.
Yesterday I was sitting in my chair looking out the window at a beautifully leaf filled tree and was struck by how each one was blown independent of the others. Each leaf was affected by the wind in its own way and moved to its own rhythm in reaction to how it was touched. I got lost in just watching for a few minutes then began to see (tender mercy of the day) the parallels to my own life and understood that how we react to the Master's hand (whisperings of the Spirit) can add our light and beauty to that of others around us. We are a small separate leaf on the tree of life but it is up to us to be in harmony and share our light with others that are in need of what only we can give.
I am so truly blessed to be who I am right now open to these private teaching moments and the insights that I am gaining because I have been forced to slow my pace and taken the opportunitie to heed the council given in Psalms 46:10
"Be Still and know that I am God"
I guess to sum up these 2 posts is that it saddens me to know that not all will understand/accept the differences in these 4 words and that REALITY is not a bad/negative word.....that I have not and will not settle...nor have I given up. I have chosen instead to embrace my "NEW" and all that means and that I will strive to become the best "NEW" I can be with Faith, patience and courage ....because...despite the changes/adaptations my body has been forced to make...
I am still the same spirit always and forever that my Father created
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Let me begin by sending out
"Much Love to my Home...Alberta"
and to all those trying to deal with their own personal
"KRAP Happens and you're changed forever"
while coming to terms with and embracing their
We are tough prairie folk and we will rally and be better because of this.We pray for you and remember....
God is ALWAYS with you!!!!
It is kind of interesting to me that as I watched the coverage of this enormous life altering event, thoughts just kept coming to me and I reflected on my own "krap happens & it changes you" moments. To be honest it wasn't until Random Wisdom and I had a great heart to heart, tear filled talk today that I realized just how you can speak the same English but be miles apart when it comes to definitions of the same words. It was a very enlightening time for me and I think (hope) for her too.
As I started writing all the things that kept pouring from my heart/head and pen I realized that this was gonna have to be split into 2 posts or you might never get thru it...and I feel it is important for all you loved ones of people like me who struggle sometimes with the feeling of not REALLY TRULY being heard....
"REASONS vs EXCUSES"
To me these two simple words couldn't be more different but I guess it all depends on how you look at it. If you haven't lived someone else's life or walked in their shoes for any amount of time...the lines between these words can become a wall between you and your loved ones (anyone not just immediate family) built with huge boulders of frustration, anger, judgement (mostly internalized where it is ripe to fester and grow) and disappointment held together by globs of misunderstanding, a lack of empathy and not seeing the entire picture.
I will admit that in the past I have always been the loudest voice of "suck it up princess" judgmental type thinking that people just need to "get over themselves and move on". I will tell you that I still believe it to a point but the Lord has done some serious smoothing off of those harsh rough edges on that "judgmental pedestal" I so arrogantly, with great pride, stood on spouting my opinions/judgments. I also saw a lot of empathy towards those who suffered with what I understood (lived thru). It is easy to do when you have common ground and a point of reference to focus on....shared experience. BUT....I understand and realize now that "Krap happens" and like it or not....you change and hopefully grow as a result of it. We all change and grow differently but we all change.....because "krap happens" to you or a loved one...Thanks Krap!!
It is very easy to see the reasons for the changes to yourself, and the reasons are perfectly sound and make complete sense, but to an outsider (loved ones) it just all sounds like nothing more then me just making excuses so I don't have to do/be what I used to be cause that would take too much work and I'm just not motivated. I have learned over the last few years of my Krap (a bad fall resulting in a permanent brain injury and now cancer) that it IS NOT making excuses it is just my attempt at trying to explain my "Krap changes" so others will understand why. The ugly truth of all this is that regardless of how frustrated we all get (only seeing our own side)...trying to find that common ground of true empathy and honest understanding on both sides only happens in small moments before the wall comes back up.
I guess what I have learned is that to Others it is always gonna be an "excuse" because no matter how much we love each other and try to see thru my eyes...they have not "LIVED my experiences and human nature only allows us to accept changes in others that are positive and "better". There will always be wall in the middle of that bridge of understanding - we just need to keep chipping away at it but also acknowledge that it is there and just move on.
The bottom line is....
I am NOT who I once was and yes......some days we all miss her!!
.....to be continued....