And So it began

"ONCE UPON A TIME"....there came along this little lump...insignificant really when you compare it to the entire world of lumps. That is, right up to the point that it wasn't...insignificant I mean............... and so began my journey.

A NEWER SHADE OF I more then SURVIVE...I am learning to THRIVE...

OF COURSE... we all know things are bound to get a little crazy with a surprise around most every corner...not to mention an assortment of bumps and bruises along the way...but I am ever thankful for them all...they have all made me who I am. So buckle up, hold on tight and enjoy the ride thru what I lovingly refer to as LIFE

Sunday, August 18, 2013


 "It's hard to see where your going when all you focus on is your past"

...NOW...for that DARN REAR VIEW MIRROR!!!

I can't tell you when exactly I took on the roll of "BELL HOP" but I know it was WAY BACK!!  I can't/won't tell you about all the heavy bags I have toted around but suffice it to say I have had WAY TOO many over flowing TRUNKS really.  Let me tell you about the one I blew the lid off this last week.  I know it may sound trivial to many of you (and compared to some of my others) but it was a LONG time coming and so for me A BIGGIE!!!
 I can't begin to even guess how may decades but for almost as long as I can remember I have been an "on Spec" shopper.  I think it started as I started "borrowing" things from my sister's closet (her stuff was always so much more grown up and cuter - just sayin) & getting to keep the stuff she didn't want.  She is a few years older then me so I hadn't grown completely into them yet - Thus "On Spec" part of my brain was ignited.
Now over the with any NORMAL woman...we all experience the "WEIGHT FLUCTUATION" year you're the "Barbie doll" (miracles do happen) then the next your "Mrs. Potato Head" (all good things must come to an end...even miracles sometimes)...sigh
So...I began buying things thinking I would easily loose those few (sometimes more then a few) pesky pounds and look Fab  I had never really thought to define it until watching an interview with Luther Vandross (sigh...) and he talked about his ever changing weight and how he had created 3 closets in his house. LIGHT BULB MOMENT...sadly not really any bulb I ever wanted to see but at least I wasn't alone.  We had even both named our closets (mine was duffel bags...who really can afford 3 separate closets)

"Fab", "Fatter" & "Whatever"...(cause this is a temporary stop) Well, that temporary stop has been a long and winding road with an extra here and there so of course has the "On Spec" shopping. I will tell you that for the most part....I hate shopping so it doesn't happen often...but it still happens. 

 So now facing the new and very daunting task of finding a "Mother of the Bride" (MOB)dress and having to face myself in a fitting room mirror in all my cancer battled glory (weird chemo hair, those blasted 30lbs and one boob)  I came face to face with ME.  I don't know why this  HUGE light bulb came on for me but I suddenly realized that I had been looking at life - ME - thru a blurry rear view mirror. I saw all the time I had spent wishing and wanting my stupid closet to change...saw all the money I had thrown away over the years on things I had never worn but had taken up room in my closet..."on Spec".  Remembered all those times I had really worked the "Fab" closet & and how easy I had told myself it was gonna be to get there again. Suddenly I was seeing it for what it was....the dead weight baggage I had been faithfully hauling around with me and my skewed view of the closets.
Something snapped (into place finally) and I blew the top off this piece of luggage!!! 
I walked into my closet with tears on my cheeks....looked around...and started to YANK. I pulled everything out that didn't fit right or make me feel comfortable for one reason or another (losing a boob will do that to ya...just sayin) and made a HUGE pile in the middle of the floor. I can't begin to tell you how it felt...but by the time I had finished my closet and  the "actual" duffel bag of "on spec" clothes in my basement I was crying an entirely different kind of tears. I walked into my almost empty closet knowing I can wear everything in being a confident "Uniboober" is beyond words.  To look at ME thru a clear window not a warped rear view mirror and not making excuses to myself is one of the greatest gifts I have ever given ME!!  (Some of my friends think this was the best gift I ever gave them)
Well here I am almost 40 yrs later and what have I FINALLY figured out (slow learner argg)....OLD HABITS DIE HARD & self esteem/weight issues apparently even harder. So ...what I am left with...besides weird chemo hair, those renegade 30lbs and one boob...


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

*Just to get this business out of the way....
 Latest update - Car is still NOT sold
                                     -  NO word from Immigration
 It is amazing to me how you can read something totally unrelated to anything you have been thinking about and suddenly see it with an entirely new viewpoint and the application comes into your mind seemingly out of nowhere.  I used to rarely even notice them or just dismiss it quickly as whatever. I have learned that paying attention to these teaching moments when they happen, because that is exactly what they are....lessons sent from a loving Heavenly Father to guide me back on course to where I need to be.  When I pay attention my testimony of my the Savior and His plan for me are strengthened.  Life is full of quiet lessons and tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father we just need to take the time to learn from them and acknowledge the treasured gifts and blessings that they are.
I have been spending a lot of quiet time reading and reflecting on a lot of things....and especially while Random Wisdom is sorting thru her stuff prepping to leave home for good and I have started to take an even deeper look around at my life and all the KRAP I have drug from place to place both physically and internally.  I have begun to realize....

The Dangers of Baggage.....!!!
I have been thinking a lot lately about all the stupid, heavy useless krap we insist on dragging with us every single step we take... the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual baggage.  Then there is the "just junk" that doesn't really fit in any particular pile...but we faithfully carry it along too...just cause we can...with a big HUGE Rear view mirror strapped to our foreheads (more on that darn mirror later)  we ALL have  them no matter who we are or where we come from. 
 What is it about that ugly old broken down luggage?
 What is it that makes us hang on to it sooo tight?
Why do we continually let it cut us so deeply??
Why do we accept it as part of who/what we are??
Why do we allow it to have all the control??
Why do we let everyone around us think this is who we really are?
Why do we let guilt & shame continue to use us for a punching bag??
When do we finally stand up & and yell...
I do understand that it's not often as easy to do as that and a ton of our baggage can't be thrown off on our own.  We need to find the help to work thru and unchain ourselves but I believe that if we humbly and earnestly want to cut ourselves free the FIRST call we need to make is to our Heavenly Father...then quietly listen and act on what he tells us to do.  I know that being quiet and listening can be a challenge all on it's own.   What will probably take the biggest leap of faith and bravery..."TO DO" and not just hear....cause I am pretty sure it WILL be outside our usual comfort zone.  That is just kinda how that "growth" thing tends to work
What we need to remember (cause I know it is tough sometimes) when those chains start to tighten and those wretched bags get heavier is that...we need to Keep faithful &  obedient He will NOT leave our side.  He knows how we feel because has cried these tears and felt the anguish of our baggage before us. He is the only one who really knows and understands exactly what we are feeling and how heavy our baggage really is.
Ask Him
He is There
I have Felt Him