"It's hard to see where your going when all you focus on is your past"

...NOW...for that DARN REAR VIEW MIRROR!!!

 

I can't tell you when exactly I took on the roll of "BELL HOP" but I know it was WAY BACK!!  I can't/won't tell you about all the heavy bags I have toted around but suffice it to say I have had WAY TOO many over flowing TRUNKS really.  Let me tell you about the one I blew the lid off this last week.  I know it may sound trivial to many of you (and compared to some of my others) but it was a LONG time coming and so for me A BIGGIE!!!

 

 I can't begin to even guess how may decades but for almost as long as I can remember I have been an "on Spec" shopper.  I think it started as I started "borrowing" things from my sister's closet (her stuff was always so much more grown up and cuter - just sayin) & getting to keep the stuff she didn't want.  She is a few years older then me so I hadn't grown completely into them yet - Thus "On Spec" part of my brain was ignited.

 

Now over the years...as with any NORMAL woman...we all experience the "WEIGHT FLUCTUATION"...one year you're the "Barbie doll" (miracles do happen) then the next your "Mrs. Potato Head" (all good things must come to an end...even miracles sometimes)...sigh

 

So...I began buying things thinking I would easily loose those few (sometimes more then a few) pesky pounds and look Fab  I had never really thought to define it until watching an interview with Luther Vandross (sigh...) and he talked about his ever changing weight and how he had created 3 closets in his house. LIGHT BULB MOMENT...sadly not really any bulb I ever wanted to see but at least I wasn't alone.  We had even both named our closets (mine was duffel bags...who really can afford 3 separate closets)

"Fab", "Fatter" & "Whatever"...(cause this is a temporary stop) Well, that temporary stop has been a long and winding road with an extra here and there so of course has the "On Spec" shopping. I will tell you that for the most part....I hate shopping so it doesn't happen often...but it still happens. 

 So now facing the new and very daunting task of finding a "Mother of the Bride" (MOB)dress and having to face myself in a fitting room mirror in all my cancer battled glory (weird chemo hair, those blasted 30lbs and one boob)  I came face to face with ME.  I don't know why this  HUGE light bulb came on for me but I suddenly realized that I had been looking at life - ME - thru a blurry rear view mirror. I saw all the time I had spent wishing and wanting my stupid closet to change...saw all the money I had thrown away over the years on things I had never worn but had taken up room in my closet..."on Spec".  Remembered all those times I had really worked the "Fab" closet & and how easy I had told myself it was gonna be to get there again. Suddenly I was seeing it for what it was....the dead weight baggage I had been faithfully hauling around with me and my skewed view of the past....by closets.

 

Something snapped (into place finally) and I blew the top off this piece of luggage!!! 

 I AM DONE HAULING THIS AROUND ON MY BACK!
 

I walked into my closet with tears on my cheeks....looked around...and started to YANK. I pulled everything out that didn't fit right or make me feel comfortable for one reason or another (losing a boob will do that to ya...just sayin) and made a HUGE pile in the middle of the floor. I can't begin to tell you how it felt...but by the time I had finished my closet and  the "actual" duffel bag of "on spec" clothes in my basement I was crying an entirely different kind of tears. I walked into my almost empty closet knowing I can wear everything in being a confident "Uniboober" is beyond words.  To look at ME thru a clear window not a warped rear view mirror and not making excuses to myself is one of the greatest gifts I have ever given ME!!  (Some of my friends think this was the best gift I ever gave them)

 

Well here I am almost 40 yrs later and what have I FINALLY figured out (slow learner argg)....OLD HABITS DIE HARD & self esteem/weight issues apparently even harder. So ...what I am left with...besides weird chemo hair, those renegade 30lbs and one boob...

....REALLY AMAZING