Let me begin by sending out
"Much Love to my Home...Alberta"
and to all those trying to deal with their own personal
"KRAP Happens and you're changed forever"
while coming to terms with and embracing their
We are tough prairie folk and we will rally and be better because of this.We pray for you and remember....
God is ALWAYS with you!!!!
It is kind of interesting to me that as I watched the coverage of this enormous life altering event, thoughts just kept coming to me and I reflected on my own "krap happens & it changes you" moments. To be honest it wasn't until Random Wisdom and I had a great heart to heart, tear filled talk today that I realized just how you can speak the same English but be miles apart when it comes to definitions of the same words. It was a very enlightening time for me and I think (hope) for her too.
As I started writing all the things that kept pouring from my heart/head and pen I realized that this was gonna have to be split into 2 posts or you might never get thru it...and I feel it is important for all you loved ones of people like me who struggle sometimes with the feeling of not REALLY TRULY being heard....
"REASONS vs EXCUSES"
To me these two simple words couldn't be more different but I guess it all depends on how you look at it. If you haven't lived someone else's life or walked in their shoes for any amount of time...the lines between these words can become a wall between you and your loved ones (anyone not just immediate family) built with huge boulders of frustration, anger, judgement (mostly internalized where it is ripe to fester and grow) and disappointment held together by globs of misunderstanding, a lack of empathy and not seeing the entire picture.
I will admit that in the past I have always been the loudest voice of "suck it up princess" judgmental type thinking that people just need to "get over themselves and move on". I will tell you that I still believe it to a point but the Lord has done some serious smoothing off of those harsh rough edges on that "judgmental pedestal" I so arrogantly, with great pride, stood on spouting my opinions/judgments. I also saw a lot of empathy towards those who suffered with what I understood (lived thru). It is easy to do when you have common ground and a point of reference to focus on....shared experience. BUT....I understand and realize now that "Krap happens" and like it or not....you change and hopefully grow as a result of it. We all change and grow differently but we all change.....because "krap happens" to you or a loved one...Thanks Krap!!
It is very easy to see the reasons for the changes to yourself, and the reasons are perfectly sound and make complete sense, but to an outsider (loved ones) it just all sounds like nothing more then me just making excuses so I don't have to do/be what I used to be cause that would take too much work and I'm just not motivated. I have learned over the last few years of my Krap (a bad fall resulting in a permanent brain injury and now cancer) that it IS NOT making excuses it is just my attempt at trying to explain my "Krap changes" so others will understand why. The ugly truth of all this is that regardless of how frustrated we all get (only seeing our own side)...trying to find that common ground of true empathy and honest understanding on both sides only happens in small moments before the wall comes back up.
I guess what I have learned is that to Others it is always gonna be an "excuse" because no matter how much we love each other and try to see thru my eyes...they have not "LIVED my experiences and human nature only allows us to accept changes in others that are positive and "better". There will always be wall in the middle of that bridge of understanding - we just need to keep chipping away at it but also acknowledge that it is there and just move on.
The bottom line is....
I am NOT who I once was and yes......some days we all miss her!!
.....to be continued....