Time (Life)  just seems to have a way of moving along whether we acknowledge it or not & Mine has turned into this strange mix of flying by and standing still at the same time....So many strange mixes of feelings, emotions and sensations all rambling in together.  My days just flow one into the next without much change or much to show for it really.  I feel busy but I am stationary, ambitious but exhausted, relaxed but ever mindful of the pain that has become my constant companion, wishful but fatigued,  healthy & alive but drained & quietly resigned.

I've spent some time just looking at my life & deciding I am needing to just LET GO.  I need to stop pounding/smashing my head against that brick wall that is filled with the "I used to..." frustration and try to peacefully embrace the "Now I can...".  I often feel very alone and unsure & mostly unwilling (VERY unenthusiastic about it) to face this concept to pick up the scattered & shattered pieces of what's left of "ME" & see what can emerge from the rubble.  When I started this journey what I thought the view from this side would be couldn't have been more wrong.  As everyone says..."no two cancer journeys are the same" but when you start yours you grab hold of the "best parts" of every one else's KNOWING you will never be the "the worst parts".  There are just soooo many things "NO ONE TOLD ME"

• No one told me -  about your body & mind being in constant warfare
• No one told me - that at the other side of treatment your body ages at least 10 yrs
• No one told me - that my already hot internal temperature would be turned up and I would be turned into my own combustion engine
• No one told me - that I would be that .0001% that has all the "rare" effects & that doctors wouldn't have any real answers or sincere interest in solving/explaining the issue .....so....you get passed back and forth becoming a human ping pong ball 
• No one told me - that pain, nausea and horrid taste buds would be an indefinite  24/7 reality
• No one told me - how unfocused & frazzled you would be over the smallest details
• No one told me - that I would be an emotional boob over every little thing
• No one told me - no one would really understand me, my feelings, what I am trying to say or what I really mean or that they even really want to (see above issue....sigh)
• No one told me - that my brain, thoughts, ideas, goals, ambitions....feelings of  "I can/wanna do..no problem" is all communicated in a totally new language that my body no longer understands and has no interrupter.
• No one told me - that my physical shape would be so altered & will NEVER (no matter how hard I try or what I do...) be the same or ever capable of rebounding.  That every molecular system inside my body & mind has changed from it's original design and working parameters & will never approach, react, or respond to anything the way it used to.
• No one told me - that no matter how hard I worked & how positive my attitude & how great my faith there will come a time when I will struggle with acceptance of all things new, different & difficult
• No one told me - the pressure imposed in being  positive & the weight of guilt over lacking it daily
• No one told me - that even with my faith never wavering & my gratitude for the immeasurable list of miracles in my life & knowing this is God's plan for me...that there are lessons I need to learn. Sometimes I need to remind myself that most of His lessons come with a HUGE learning curve & I sometimes just don't feel up to the task at hand.  
• No one told me  - that knowing that God is walking this with me & the unceasing support of VoR that I would ever struggle with any of these feelings.  

NO ONE TOLD ME....That there is & never will be anything "Normal" about this "New Normal"