And So it began

"ONCE UPON A TIME"....there came along this little lump...insignificant really when you compare it to the entire world of lumps. That is, right up to the point that it wasn't...insignificant I mean............... and so began my journey.

A NEWER SHADE OF I more then SURVIVE...I am learning to THRIVE...

OF COURSE... we all know things are bound to get a little crazy with a surprise around most every corner...not to mention an assortment of bumps and bruises along the way...but I am ever thankful for them all...they have all made me who I am. So buckle up, hold on tight and enjoy the ride thru what I lovingly refer to as LIFE

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

     There are soooo many thoughts and emotions rushing around in my head today!!!  I have been trying to make enough sense out of them to share them but I am not entirely sure that I will be successful....but here goes nothing....

     I remember the total Non-shock it really was when I got the call from the doctor....(we women instinctively know when something is wrong....when we choose not to ignore all the signs)....followed by a momentary flash of getting a REAL feel of my own mortality and what it REALLY would mean to be gone from everything and everyone....realizing that life would go on without you no matter how big and important you think you are in the lives of all of those around you. It was indeed a MOST SOBERING few minutes that if I allow myself to reflect on (even for a second) floods me with all the fear, loss and tears again like the first is a door I try with all my power NOT to allow myself access just too raw.

     I think of what I thought life would be like after all the chemo and radiation was over and frankly....I saw things differently.  I had just lost 30+ lbs and was in what I would call WAY BETTER shape then I had been for years and on a roll to continue my "New Me before 50" so I just assumed this "little boob issue" would sideline me for a short time and then life would get back into step.  How horribly wrong I many things I never saw coming. I am not saying that I  am not  EXTREMELY BLESSED and THANKFUL that I am here and breathing and so VERY ALIVE....I am just saying that the "bounce-back" I anticipated.....well.... I guess my ball was flat!!! Did you know that flat balls don't bounce so well?!?!?!  I must have missed that gym class....sigh!!!!

   As a result I pushed myself too hard & not hard enough because of the whole waiting on immigration/wedding thing.  I didn't get involved in any of the great post-treatment programs and so I tried to do way too much way too soon after treatment and burned myself out. My body wasn't ready to be out there trying to keep up with my pre-cancer workout routine.  I was never one to be out in the hot sun but suddenly thought that walking 60-90mins a day at a ridiculously fast pace was the smartest way to get back on track.  That lasted about 4 months and then the joints just revolted and haven't stopped since. I just TRULY expected to be as strong and healthy as I was before...that this would all flush out of my system quickly  and leave no footprint on my cells.  AS IF?!?!?  So I think my recovery actually suffered and there are still all those issues (included in my last entry & then some) I thought would be WAY gone by now.   I don't mean to sound whiny...just being honest and laying out the facts  & catching you up

     BUT OHHHH THE BLESSINGS!!!  There have been some incredible moments.  I have never felt my Savior closer or less alone then in those months along side that disease.  I never stepped one step by my self...I knew He was there ready to lift and carry me if I couldn't take the step alone.  My spirit soared with the love I received from all of you and I felt all your support....I have felt that void since I have been silent on this end.  I read a GREAT quote the other day....
"A Joy shared is a Joy multiplied
A Sorrow shared is a Sorrow divided"
It is soooo true!!!  The sorrow that can be this disease was divided into so many small pieces by all of you that it never became overwhelming.....for that I THANK YOU!!!!  So...take a minute and feel good about your role in my means more then you know