THE STRUGGLE IS REAL FOLKS...
So if I am being totally honest...(which is the mission statement of this blog...if you haven't noticed that all ready...but I digress) the only REAL positive in a Breast Cancer diagnosis (that includes a full mastectomy) that happens at the end of treatment are those new "perky" boobs (either implants or your own tissue) & tummy tuck ....come on girls....you I know I am only speaking the truth..cause those are the 2 top wishes for nearly all of us... who have birthed and breast fed our babies
Soooo...let me first remind you that I am fully immersed & a life-time member of the "2%" club. We are the chosen ones that are commonly dealing with the "unlikely but just in case" list of weird/less common,"it happens to one in a million happens to"....worst case scenario side effect...I AM SOOOO OVER IT!!! It is so bad that my family Doctor actually looks at the bottom of the side-effects list for red flags before she prescribes ANY medication to me....sigh!
I met with my plastic surgeon this last week to have a "no holds barred" appt. to see exactly where we are at. After much talk and examination it was deemed too risky for me to undergo the HUGELY long & meticulous procedure of reconstruction. Needless to say those perky boobs and tummy tuck are just not in the cards for me. I knew I was fighting an up hill battle when you consider my weight...1.75 above the benchmark of 30% BMI which hasn't changed in 3 yrs no matter what I do. It just hasn't changed much...at all even with the daily hour long lap swim and mindful diabetic eating. You add my diabetes (perfectly controlled and below the diabetic benchmark...BTW) & the physical changes my body experiences when exposed to my allergens and you've got 2 of the 3 sides of sides of the perfect trifecta of events then throw in (thanks radiation treatment)the mastectomy scars being deep and very tight and we have created breast cancer's "Perfect Storm"....(batten down the hatches boys it's getting a smidge bumpy). She tells me that the risks are just too high for me she and that she couldn't/wouldn't consider doing it.....so again my options are limited to reduction and uplift of the left boob or complete removal of it...both of which are very easy short day surgeries. If I left it there and fixed it....which isn't really a solution since it would still be there messing with my ability to wear most clothes...and yes...a bathing suit (which is still really funny to me that I worry about things like that now)....or the complete removal (commonly called "prophylactic mastectomy") are the only 2 options I have. What really got to me was the fact that once again, it no longer was MY decision...landing me again in a situation completely out of my control.
I'm honestly and truly okay with me evolving from "The Uniboober" to "The Unboober"...
Now you can imagine this perfect storm + the feeling of having the rug pulled out from under me again and WHAM!!!!....I am drowning my anger at this ever giving Troll in some pumpkin spice cookie dough and proceed to have the biggest "mad at the world" pity party in history. When I began this cancer journey everything moved at light speed & I truly only retain control of a VERY FEW things (sometimes my control was really just an illusion but I held on tight to it) so when this final(I hope) rug was pulled out from under me that final time that primed storm came down with avengence...mine lasted 8 hrs....luckily no one around to watch it.
Now I will admit that the ever present still small voice that guides me clued me into this possibility several weeks ago...then randomly VoR tells me that he's OK with the removal option...he just glad and thankful that I am still here. We all know he has nothing to do with it....that it's totally MY body...and that he's just not that kind of controlling weaselly guys fixated on the outside appearance (we all know more then our share of those kind)..he soooo gets the eternal big picture Interesting how I had been pondering it anyway but to have him show that kind of support is AMAZING!! He is ALWAYS my anchor and example.
Anyway...when the dust settled....I am at total peace sitting where I am with the new view of my future....& once again at the beginning of yet another "waiting list"...I sure hope this one goes faster then the 3 yrs I have been on this last one....sigh