There are soooo many thoughts and emotions rushing around in my head today!!!  I have been trying to make enough sense out of them to share them but I am not entirely sure that I will be successful....but here goes nothing....

     I remember the total Non-shock it really was when I got the call from the doctor....(we women instinctively know when something is wrong....when we choose not to ignore all the signs)....followed by a momentary flash of getting a REAL feel of my own mortality and what it REALLY would mean to be gone from everything and everyone....realizing that life would go on without you no matter how big and important you think you are in the lives of all of those around you. It was indeed a MOST SOBERING few minutes that if I allow myself to reflect on (even for a second) floods me with all the fear, loss and tears again like the first time...it is a door I try with all my power NOT to allow myself access to.....it just too raw.

     I think of what I thought life would be like after all the chemo and radiation was over and frankly....I saw things differently.  I had just lost 30+ lbs and was in what I would call WAY BETTER shape then I had been for years and on a roll to continue my "New Me before 50" so I just assumed this "little boob issue" would sideline me for a short time and then life would get back into step.  How horribly wrong I was....so many things I never saw coming. I am not saying that I  am not  EXTREMELY BLESSED and THANKFUL that I am here and breathing and so VERY ALIVE....I am just saying that the "bounce-back" I anticipated.....well.... I guess my ball was flat!!! Did you know that flat balls don't bounce so well?!?!?!  I must have missed that gym class....sigh!!!!

   As a result I pushed myself too hard & not hard enough because of the whole waiting on immigration/wedding thing.  I didn't get involved in any of the great post-treatment programs and so I tried to do way too much way too soon after treatment and burned myself out. My body wasn't ready to be out there trying to keep up with my pre-cancer workout routine.  I was never one to be out in the hot sun but suddenly thought that walking 60-90mins a day at a ridiculously fast pace was the smartest way to get back on track.  That lasted about 4 months and then the joints just revolted and haven't stopped since. I just TRULY expected to be as strong and healthy as I was before...that this would all flush out of my system quickly  and leave no footprint on my cells.  AS IF?!?!?  So I think my recovery actually suffered and there are still all those issues (included in my last entry & then some) I thought would be WAY gone by now.   I don't mean to sound whiny...just being honest and laying out the facts  & catching you up

     BUT OHHHH THE BLESSINGS!!!  There have been some incredible moments.  I have never felt my Savior closer or less alone then in those months along side that disease.  I never stepped one step by my self...I knew He was there ready to lift and carry me if I couldn't take the step alone.  My spirit soared with the love I received from all of you and I felt all your support....I have felt that void since I have been silent on this end.  I read a GREAT quote the other day....

"A Joy shared is a Joy multiplied

A Sorrow shared is a Sorrow divided"

It is soooo true!!!  The sorrow that can be this disease was divided into so many small pieces by all of you that it never became overwhelming.....for that I THANK YOU!!!!  So...take a minute and feel good about your role in my life.....it means more then you know

Well....where to begin?!?!?!?  It has been more than a few months since I touched base with anyone and sadly that means my blog family as well.  It has been a long and difficult 18 months for us and Random Wisdom.....but so worth every second as she and Spitt were able to finally get hitched the end of March....it was 16 months after they filed the immigration papers. 

 As you can imagine...once we got those papers we went in to "max overdrive"  She and I were gone with in 3 wks and I wasn't back home until the middle of April then gone again the 1st of May for a "sisters get away" for a week (which can I just say was AMAZING!!!!)...we are so far apart in ages and live in multiple countries so this was the first time we did this....I sure REALLY hope it isn't the last.  So you can see by the time I got home in May....I was a total write off.  The change in stress on all of us is a beautiful thing....no more hurry up and wait for the coin to drop.  What is most important is that they are very happy and loving the life they are creating together.....no not a baby....just their life....seriously people!!! (and they missed all the tornados this season).  She has had to wrap her head around the fact that she has had 2 months of 100+* weather and summer has just barely started.

I have come to the conclusion that my nasty little friend "The Troll" is just turned into "the gift that keeps on giving"  Every time I turn around something else is wrong, or sore, or not working like before ...and don't even get me started on the nausea and taste buds issue.  In theory it should be all back to normal by now but then they remind me I am that .1% so there really is no answers or time frames they can give me on most stuff.  It is incredibly frustrating but I am getting used to just "living with it"....it is what it is and it can either ruin my life and run me or I can live my life and refuse to let it have control....I am proud to say 99% of the time I win.  I can’t say I have done very well where my left wrist is concerned.  It has been EXTREMELY sore to the point of not being able to use my left hand at all since NOV.  I have been to doctors, emergency room, specialists and no one can really figure it out.  I have one more specialist in July then ….I think I my just gnaw it off at the elbow!!!!  It feels like it’s broken in multiple places but at the last xray my bones looked perfect…I got nothing….I just know how bad it gets and I think I am a pretty tough old bird but let me tell you….one wrong move and the pain will drop me to my knees and open the tear flood gates.  Oh well….I guess time will tell….only 30 more sleeps til the specialist appointment….argg!!!!

I have gotten my self organized and gotten hooked on some new projects and the days just fly by.  I have been re-bitten by the Genealogy & Family History bug....BIG TIME!!!!  I have been starting to piece my family together from my 2^nd Great-Grandpa down thru each of his children and their children so we can have a full and complete picture of our family tree.  So far in the last 6 wks I have found 58 family members and been able to put families back together.  It is SUCH fun work and so rewarding.  I also spend 1 day a week indexing….usually 150 records (reading old hand written records and typing them up so they are available to others who are searching for family) I have been doing that for a few years (census, military, probate & estate records, etc)  It has sure help me in being able to read old records with bad penmanship….there is a lot of that.  I also feel like I am able to give back to all those other indexers that have made records available for me to find. 

A little “Pay it forward”

We are really seeing the light at the end of this long tunnel....

and thankfully it's NOT an on coming train!!!

  

Time to buckle down/seriously get some focus/get all those ducks in a row and get ready for a serious

 CELEBRATION aka...PARTY!!!!

I will catch you all with updates...

on the flip side!!!

As you can see from this....life has been a little on the CRAZY side for the last few months....ok...who am I kidding....16 months!!!  Now add on to that the whole cancer thingy and well.....it's been a wild ride.  We are finally in sight of the finish line but she still has the biggest and most daunting hurdle still ahead of her.

When this is all over....and this "fat lady sings " I will write a book (not really) but will attempt to catch you all up with what has been going on and what lies ahead for me and my still unaddressed  recovery plans & programs.  I have discovered that there is WAY more to this "post chemo/cancer" recovery then I ever could have imagined....a long story for another day...after all the wedding dust settles

...BUT....

This is about Random Wisdom and her ongoing need for your prayers, positive vibes, wishes on falling stars, shout-outs to "lady luck", etc....   She has been dealing with months of stress that only sheer stupidity....TOTAL incompetence of so called  "professionals" can cause with this immigration issue.  The idea of physically sitting in that interview (hello "Proposal"...yes...you have all seen the movie) alone at the mercy of a single officer's good/bad mood...is becoming an overwhelming reality.  All the "I's" are dotted and "T's" crossed but I can only imagine the stress she feels going into this biggest "exam" of her life...I see the pressure she is under daily.  Add onto all that....trying to plan a wedding that can't be finalized (booked even until after that Feb date) but needs to be addressed....she is holding up pretty good.  Okay...I'm gonna just say it.....Bridezilla has not reared her ugly head much around here all things considered...phew!!!  From where I sit....planning headquarters....the stars are all aligning to be a beautiful wedding day for them...sigh!!!

Thanks for all your love, support & continued prayers for myself and my family...we feel them!!!

I am not really sure why I have let things drop and seem to have fallen off the "blog wagon"....I have my theories now that I sit down and actually think about it.  I guess I have just been struggling with a HUGE lack of focus. I have been guilty of just letting the days roll by and with no real plan...just puttering my time away without anything to really show for it. I have finally come to that place where all the stress of the last several months has come to a head...or in my life...hit the wall...then add the fact that I haven't really been making the time to recover from all my treatments...just hit the floor running.

THEORY 1 - I haven't done any real post-cancer programs since it is hard to plan as "the "drop and leave" at any moment" has been the mind frame since Spring.  We are all just plain "tuckered out"!!! Pragmatically Speaking told me to not be so hard on myself and to just realize that I am 7 months behind of where I thought I should be and just start my recovery when this is all over....a wise man....who raised him?!?!?!  I am feeling it physically but poor Random Wisdom has been coping with the brunt of it and her life really on hold.  She has held up really well but the last couple of weeks have been the most heartbreaking to watch.  I just want to be able to fix this for her but we are all at the mercy of that retched visa interview letter.


THEORY 2 -  I have no news to keep you up to date on...stuck in limbo...things are so mundane right now...I would be bored reading about my life....it's just been a whole lot of "hurry up & wait".  I have finally come to that place where all the stress of the last several months (you gotta love US immigration...NOT!!!!) has come to a head...or in my life...hit the wall...then add the fact that I haven't really taking the time to recover from all my treatments...just hit the floor running.  We have been in the wedding/immigration merry-go-round/tornado for months and it is safe to say we are all tired and are ready to get off...we are just exhausted....physically, emotionally, mentally & any other "ally" you can think of.

THEORY 3 - Self-doubt/second guessing/questioning (I think these are the biggest culprits actually) Now that all my treatments & all the whacky side-effects are done (more or less)....do I have anything to contribute of interest/help/insight/worth you spending your time reading????   Then it hit me....I still have the same thoughts, feelings, insights and humor.....the same person as always so just because my treatment is over the healing isn't and that may be just as vital for someone to hear....knowing they are dealing with the same recovery nonsense others are....cause you begin to think you are the only one going thru this since your "lifeline" aka....cancer center and all their focused care is done and you are left back in the "regular" medical world....it can be daunting trying to figure out which doctor to talk to about what stuff now...OYE!!! 

This past weekend was our church's General Conference with 4 sessions of talks. You never know where or how the Lord will take a moment to speak to you and teach you...bolstering your spirit  to enlighten your dim places. More often then not I go into the conference wknd not really looking for anything in particular but there is ALWAYS  just the messages I  need to hear...a miracle in my life for sure!!!  I always come up with my list of "Epic Quotes" when it's all over...just some key insights that will trigger the memory of what I heard to tide me over for another 6 months and the next conference.

"Doubt your doubts not your faith",

Doesn't matter what book of scripture you read....just read",

 "If you're not well you can't help others...do your  "car maintenance"  on yourself...check your fluid levels (spiritually, mentally and physically)",

 "Be wise in the disposition of your own funds"

 The Gospel of Jesus Christ, His words in the scriptures and the words of a living prophet are the greatest tender mercies and gift in my life. The knowledge that He lives and knows me is worth  more to me then anything...I am truly blessed and ever thankful. 

 

More Baggage....I warned you I had a full set of luggage
 

 (QUESTION....what is it about this process that once you start peeking in and begin to take a long hard, honest look at what you have hauled around for so long...you begin to see things differently.  The "Aha" moments just keep coming with such regularity that I wonder why I didn't do this decades ago....Hopefully something I share will light a little spark in you too)

 

 Bag #....

(who knows or even really cares....

lets just leave it at...just another in a long line of Bags)...

this one is labeled...

 

 The Self-imposed Guilt...

"MOM GUILT"

 

     After visiting with a bunch of my "mom" friends we were surprised to  discovered that every single one of us had this one bag in common in various forms and intensities.  Needless to say we compared notes and came to agreement on the following...

 Thanks Girls

     Our most common discovery was this biggie...the "if at first it isn't my fault....I will work being sure to twist it around in my head so in the end it ends up being my fault some how".  We may all suffer from this and I don't really think it is exclusively for moms...it just got labelled that way because as moms we have it thrown at us sooooo easily and effectively by those loved ones.  Now...we/I couldn't just lump the rest of it all together because there are so many other things that get  tossed into this because it is and ever evolving and never ending....so here are just a few more common ones we came up with:

• "THE THINGS YOU SAY"- your tone was wrong, your cadence was different, you moved your eyes at the wrong time in the wrong way (maybe rolled them), you didn't comment quick enough, too short or too preachy...etc, etc
• "THE THINGS YOU DID NOT SAY" - so you are out of the target zone...or not wanting to be accused of the last one
• "NOT REMEMBERING" - who said what (if anything), who didn't say what, who said it first (even if it was me...sigh), the decisions/outcome (if in fact one was actually made and not just alluded to).
• "MOTHERHOOD/PARENTING" - nope...I am defiantly not brave enough to crack the top on that Pandora's box...just sayin!!!
• "HOW ALL MY CHOICES HAVE RUINED THEIR LIVES" - being soooo unfair to them and crushing their "agency"
• "NOT SPENDING MONEY" -  on our selves cause we are trying to play they sympathy/martyrs...oh please...it's called priorities
• "WHEN I TAKE TIME FOR ME"- sit and do nothing/missteps even mistakes...I am a HUGE failure and disappointment to them.

 

     I think I covered all the things we talked about....(feel free to add your own "mom guilt" list...I am sure we could collect them all and write a book...a "They say.." 1) cause we all know "They" know everything  and 2) "they" are known to the world...hmmmm... There are so many sub-lists of guilt to choose from because we are constantly but casually gathering those new guilt causes every single hour (sometimes more often).  It is such a harmful vicious downward spiral...I sometimes marvel at our ability to even open our eyes in the morning and face a new day.  We need to be there to help each other realize that we are all in this together and sometimes you just have to sit down shake your head at how ridiculous you are being and laugh like a lunatic til we figure it out.  And that my friends is what popped into my head and has refused to leave til I shared it with YOU.....whoever you are that needed this

 

     I am serious when I tell you that there really are bags full of "stuff" I need to just leave behind me so I can completely move on fearless, but there are some I am not prepared to talk about yet...maybe never....I could just not talk/write about more personal, private & spiritual moments of growth.  I do know that this "unloading of dead weight"  is a HUGE part of our growth and why we are here.  I see that in me....and I know that most women I know, not only struggle with baggage but also with the constant fear of exposure (we only want people to see what we are willing to share)....don't worry...sadly there are way too many of us living with this fear everyday (usually only fooling ourselves) but who proudly haul that bag around on our back for far tooo long.

Again I ask....WHY????