**HERE WE GO AGAIN**...

Here I sit at 9am waiting for what is bound to be, WAY LESS A TON OF FUN, the beginning of Chemo for the second time in 5 yrs.  It's really surreal to be sitting here again surrounded by, for the most part, the same nurses...going over the same "pre-chemo" info and checks.  They were about as excited to see me again as I was to see them...for real!! Lots of "sorry" faces & "we remember you...we are going to watch you close cause you never want to bother us...not this time"....they are a great bunch of nurses trying to make, what we all know is gonna suck big time, a little more human and about you. 

I didn't think I was nervous...you know the "been there, done that" vibe but I spent my night waking up about every 15 minute  and only sleeping for about an hour or two total. I finally had enough and got up at 5:30am with VoR as he was heading out to the gym for another session with BaM his trainer..Now, don't go all whacky pants thinking he is trying to "regain his youth" or some mid-life crisis...it is all about just getting health....but I can sure appreciate those new/old arms, which I might add are nothing to sneeze at...(Wow...there is an old phrase on my mom's that hasn't surfaced in years).  Such dedication he has, either a session with BaM or swimming laps (about 1400 meters) so either way, his day starts REALLY EARLY.  I used to be the "sleep 27hr/day" (yes...I know there are only 24)...no amount of sleep was enough or too much...sigh. Those day are LONG gone and I usually get about 4hrs, 5 if I am really lucky. I'm still a night owl, so up late...now up early....the quintessential Night Owl burning the candle at both ends hot enough to take start a fire....but I once again digress, which, it seems, is beginning to be a habit.

I know that this is just the beginning cause when my oncologist warned, "you're not gonna like me much".  On the upside this particular cocktail shouldn't be as nauseating as the last ones.  If I am gonna get sick it will show itself between 12-24 hrs and only last a couple of days and only with the first chemo of each cycle...so only 5 more treatments to worry about...sadly, we know, with me, nothing ever goes as they expect (2%)...look at the last 2 months....not really a stellar record to fall back on.  BUT (and yes it is a big one) instead of the the one shot to boost my white blood cells like last time, because of this lousy infection, she has decided that the best plan is the one that involves...HOLD THE PHONE...13 SHOTS OVER 21 DAYS!!!! That same 13 shots are repeated after chemo for each and every cycle...ummm WHAT?!?!?!?!  You are more then welcome to do the math, but for this SERIOUS needle phoeb...the first one was too many. All I know is that as I set up my "chemo calendar" (just to keep everything together in one spot for easy reference) there were an enormous amount of little green "shot dots" over the next 3 months.  I know that this needle thing is totally irrational but I just can't help it.  I can't have an IV in my arm without really fighting the urge to pull it out...I'm okay if I can't see it, so we cover it up with gauze anytime I have one. Not only that...I cringe even just seeing one...live, on TV, in a movie... does NOT matter...makes every muscle in my body fire and throws my stomach right into my throat.  Trust me I'm not some weak sauce, I love the next action movie as much as the next guy and doesn't bother me at all...they pull out a single syringe and I lose it. Like I said, I know it is totally irrational and soooo dumb but, it's just the way I'm wired...but before you ask, PICC lines don't bother me at all...even weirder right???  I guess maybe it's because you never see a needle associated with getting one and somewhere in my silliness, I realize it will save me from a plethora of future needles. Whatever the reason, after all the antibiotics, blood work, ER trips and hospital stays, I am VERY thankful for Petunia...my ever faithful PICC line and our ongoing "attachment"

So when it comes right down to it I have very low expectations...it WILL suck at some point, but my optimism & outlook are equally high.  Only time will tell and whatever the journey, I am again soooo thankful for these last 7 days of feeling really good after 58 days of not.