I am not really sure why I have let things drop and seem to have fallen off the "blog wagon"....I have my theories now that I sit down and actually think about it.  I guess I have just been struggling with a HUGE lack of focus. I have been guilty of just letting the days roll by and with no real plan...just puttering my time away without anything to really show for it. I have finally come to that place where all the stress of the last several months has come to a head...or in my life...hit the wall...then add the fact that I haven't really been making the time to recover from all my treatments...just hit the floor running.

THEORY 1 - I haven't done any real post-cancer programs since it is hard to plan as "the "drop and leave" at any moment" has been the mind frame since Spring.  We are all just plain "tuckered out"!!! Pragmatically Speaking told me to not be so hard on myself and to just realize that I am 7 months behind of where I thought I should be and just start my recovery when this is all over....a wise man....who raised him?!?!?!  I am feeling it physically but poor Random Wisdom has been coping with the brunt of it and her life really on hold.  She has held up really well but the last couple of weeks have been the most heartbreaking to watch.  I just want to be able to fix this for her but we are all at the mercy of that retched visa interview letter.


THEORY 2 -  I have no news to keep you up to date on...stuck in limbo...things are so mundane right now...I would be bored reading about my life....it's just been a whole lot of "hurry up & wait".  I have finally come to that place where all the stress of the last several months (you gotta love US immigration...NOT!!!!) has come to a head...or in my life...hit the wall...then add the fact that I haven't really taking the time to recover from all my treatments...just hit the floor running.  We have been in the wedding/immigration merry-go-round/tornado for months and it is safe to say we are all tired and are ready to get off...we are just exhausted....physically, emotionally, mentally & any other "ally" you can think of.

THEORY 3 - Self-doubt/second guessing/questioning (I think these are the biggest culprits actually) Now that all my treatments & all the whacky side-effects are done (more or less)....do I have anything to contribute of interest/help/insight/worth you spending your time reading????   Then it hit me....I still have the same thoughts, feelings, insights and humor.....the same person as always so just because my treatment is over the healing isn't and that may be just as vital for someone to hear....knowing they are dealing with the same recovery nonsense others are....cause you begin to think you are the only one going thru this since your "lifeline" aka....cancer center and all their focused care is done and you are left back in the "regular" medical world....it can be daunting trying to figure out which doctor to talk to about what stuff now...OYE!!! 

This past weekend was our church's General Conference with 4 sessions of talks. You never know where or how the Lord will take a moment to speak to you and teach you...bolstering your spirit  to enlighten your dim places. More often then not I go into the conference wknd not really looking for anything in particular but there is ALWAYS  just the messages I  need to hear...a miracle in my life for sure!!!  I always come up with my list of "Epic Quotes" when it's all over...just some key insights that will trigger the memory of what I heard to tide me over for another 6 months and the next conference.

"Doubt your doubts not your faith",

Doesn't matter what book of scripture you read....just read",

 "If you're not well you can't help others...do your  "car maintenance"  on yourself...check your fluid levels (spiritually, mentally and physically)",

 "Be wise in the disposition of your own funds"

 The Gospel of Jesus Christ, His words in the scriptures and the words of a living prophet are the greatest tender mercies and gift in my life. The knowledge that He lives and knows me is worth  more to me then anything...I am truly blessed and ever thankful. 

 

More Baggage....I warned you I had a full set of luggage
 

 (QUESTION....what is it about this process that once you start peeking in and begin to take a long hard, honest look at what you have hauled around for so long...you begin to see things differently.  The "Aha" moments just keep coming with such regularity that I wonder why I didn't do this decades ago....Hopefully something I share will light a little spark in you too)

 

 Bag #....

(who knows or even really cares....

lets just leave it at...just another in a long line of Bags)...

this one is labeled...

 

 The Self-imposed Guilt...

"MOM GUILT"

 

     After visiting with a bunch of my "mom" friends we were surprised to  discovered that every single one of us had this one bag in common in various forms and intensities.  Needless to say we compared notes and came to agreement on the following...

 Thanks Girls

     Our most common discovery was this biggie...the "if at first it isn't my fault....I will work being sure to twist it around in my head so in the end it ends up being my fault some how".  We may all suffer from this and I don't really think it is exclusively for moms...it just got labelled that way because as moms we have it thrown at us sooooo easily and effectively by those loved ones.  Now...we/I couldn't just lump the rest of it all together because there are so many other things that get  tossed into this because it is and ever evolving and never ending....so here are just a few more common ones we came up with:

• "THE THINGS YOU SAY"- your tone was wrong, your cadence was different, you moved your eyes at the wrong time in the wrong way (maybe rolled them), you didn't comment quick enough, too short or too preachy...etc, etc
• "THE THINGS YOU DID NOT SAY" - so you are out of the target zone...or not wanting to be accused of the last one
• "NOT REMEMBERING" - who said what (if anything), who didn't say what, who said it first (even if it was me...sigh), the decisions/outcome (if in fact one was actually made and not just alluded to).
• "MOTHERHOOD/PARENTING" - nope...I am defiantly not brave enough to crack the top on that Pandora's box...just sayin!!!
• "HOW ALL MY CHOICES HAVE RUINED THEIR LIVES" - being soooo unfair to them and crushing their "agency"
• "NOT SPENDING MONEY" -  on our selves cause we are trying to play they sympathy/martyrs...oh please...it's called priorities
• "WHEN I TAKE TIME FOR ME"- sit and do nothing/missteps even mistakes...I am a HUGE failure and disappointment to them.

 

     I think I covered all the things we talked about....(feel free to add your own "mom guilt" list...I am sure we could collect them all and write a book...a "They say.." 1) cause we all know "They" know everything  and 2) "they" are known to the world...hmmmm... There are so many sub-lists of guilt to choose from because we are constantly but casually gathering those new guilt causes every single hour (sometimes more often).  It is such a harmful vicious downward spiral...I sometimes marvel at our ability to even open our eyes in the morning and face a new day.  We need to be there to help each other realize that we are all in this together and sometimes you just have to sit down shake your head at how ridiculous you are being and laugh like a lunatic til we figure it out.  And that my friends is what popped into my head and has refused to leave til I shared it with YOU.....whoever you are that needed this

 

     I am serious when I tell you that there really are bags full of "stuff" I need to just leave behind me so I can completely move on fearless, but there are some I am not prepared to talk about yet...maybe never....I could just not talk/write about more personal, private & spiritual moments of growth.  I do know that this "unloading of dead weight"  is a HUGE part of our growth and why we are here.  I see that in me....and I know that most women I know, not only struggle with baggage but also with the constant fear of exposure (we only want people to see what we are willing to share)....don't worry...sadly there are way too many of us living with this fear everyday (usually only fooling ourselves) but who proudly haul that bag around on our back for far tooo long.

Again I ask....WHY????

 

                                                        

 

 



Back to the Recovery Wagon business for a minute...

 

I met with my surgeon this week....hold up a second....let me back up a few days.  Wednesday last week I had my first mammogram on my one lonely "girl"...no big deal....I have already been thru the "worst that could happen/biggest fear" that all us women have so whatever.  Then FRIDAY came and a phone call from the hospital telling me "they saw something but they aren't sure what if anything and need to redo the mamm and follow with an ultrasound just to be sure. 

 ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!!!

I will shamefully admit that there were some not so nice things running thru my head.  I ranted and swore (tiny ones) at my surgeon, oncologist, radiation-oncologist....pretty much anyone with medical training that had come near me in the last year.  I had wanted them to take both "girls" right from the beginning and they wouldn't and this is what I get.  It lasted about 5 minutes and then I just threw up my hands looked in the mirror and said "whatever....we have danced this once...whatcha gonna do...shoot the swans?" (name that movie quote).  I concentrated my resolve from before to not let this happen again...this "girl" is just waiting to betray me too and frankly....I won't let her.  After I calmed down and actually thought about it....the redo mamm isn't until the end of Sept....and my file is still probably "red flagged" since it hasn't been a year and so ANYTHING gets a closer look...and if it had been something to worry about they would have hauled my butt in there WAY sooner.

 

Now back to the surgeon appt....he wasn't concerned with the redo....just told me to follow up with oncology for results but he would gladly set me up for a consult with a plastic surgeon to talk about losing "old lefty" and reconstructing the "girls 2.0".  So I got a hold of my Breast Action Group to get some peer support calls and recommendations from other women that have already done this.  I have learned a ton and have narrowed down my search to a couple of doctors.

 

SIDE NOTE....btw....we went away for the long weekend (a road trip) and discovered I still get really car sick....it was 12 hrs of not much fun.  Hopefully over time that corrects itself or I will be ticked...I love road trips...just not this year apparently.....sigh  But I must add that it feels like overnight the weather has turned a page.  No more air conditioner and windows wide open (to the chagrin of other members of this household) it was a balmy 16*c in my house yesterday....needless to say...it didn't take them long to run around after work and shut them...double sigh!!  My favorite part is that the evening smells have gone from onion and garlic loaded BBQs to fireplaces....I LOVE FALL!!!



 

 "It's hard to see where your going when all you focus on is your past"

...NOW...for that DARN REAR VIEW MIRROR!!!

 

I can't tell you when exactly I took on the roll of "BELL HOP" but I know it was WAY BACK!!  I can't/won't tell you about all the heavy bags I have toted around but suffice it to say I have had WAY TOO many over flowing TRUNKS really.  Let me tell you about the one I blew the lid off this last week.  I know it may sound trivial to many of you (and compared to some of my others) but it was a LONG time coming and so for me A BIGGIE!!!

 

 I can't begin to even guess how may decades but for almost as long as I can remember I have been an "on Spec" shopper.  I think it started as I started "borrowing" things from my sister's closet (her stuff was always so much more grown up and cuter - just sayin) & getting to keep the stuff she didn't want.  She is a few years older then me so I hadn't grown completely into them yet - Thus "On Spec" part of my brain was ignited.

 

Now over the years...as with any NORMAL woman...we all experience the "WEIGHT FLUCTUATION"...one year you're the "Barbie doll" (miracles do happen) then the next your "Mrs. Potato Head" (all good things must come to an end...even miracles sometimes)...sigh

 

So...I began buying things thinking I would easily loose those few (sometimes more then a few) pesky pounds and look Fab  I had never really thought to define it until watching an interview with Luther Vandross (sigh...) and he talked about his ever changing weight and how he had created 3 closets in his house. LIGHT BULB MOMENT...sadly not really any bulb I ever wanted to see but at least I wasn't alone.  We had even both named our closets (mine was duffel bags...who really can afford 3 separate closets)

"Fab", "Fatter" & "Whatever"...(cause this is a temporary stop) Well, that temporary stop has been a long and winding road with an extra here and there so of course has the "On Spec" shopping. I will tell you that for the most part....I hate shopping so it doesn't happen often...but it still happens. 

 So now facing the new and very daunting task of finding a "Mother of the Bride" (MOB)dress and having to face myself in a fitting room mirror in all my cancer battled glory (weird chemo hair, those blasted 30lbs and one boob)  I came face to face with ME.  I don't know why this  HUGE light bulb came on for me but I suddenly realized that I had been looking at life - ME - thru a blurry rear view mirror. I saw all the time I had spent wishing and wanting my stupid closet to change...saw all the money I had thrown away over the years on things I had never worn but had taken up room in my closet..."on Spec".  Remembered all those times I had really worked the "Fab" closet & and how easy I had told myself it was gonna be to get there again. Suddenly I was seeing it for what it was....the dead weight baggage I had been faithfully hauling around with me and my skewed view of the past....by closets.

 

Something snapped (into place finally) and I blew the top off this piece of luggage!!! 

 I AM DONE HAULING THIS AROUND ON MY BACK!
 

I walked into my closet with tears on my cheeks....looked around...and started to YANK. I pulled everything out that didn't fit right or make me feel comfortable for one reason or another (losing a boob will do that to ya...just sayin) and made a HUGE pile in the middle of the floor. I can't begin to tell you how it felt...but by the time I had finished my closet and  the "actual" duffel bag of "on spec" clothes in my basement I was crying an entirely different kind of tears. I walked into my almost empty closet knowing I can wear everything in being a confident "Uniboober" is beyond words.  To look at ME thru a clear window not a warped rear view mirror and not making excuses to myself is one of the greatest gifts I have ever given ME!!  (Some of my friends think this was the best gift I ever gave them)

 

Well here I am almost 40 yrs later and what have I FINALLY figured out (slow learner argg)....OLD HABITS DIE HARD & self esteem/weight issues apparently even harder. So ...what I am left with...besides weird chemo hair, those renegade 30lbs and one boob...

....REALLY AMAZING 

 



*Just to get this business out of the way....

 Latest update - Car is still NOT sold

                                     -  NO word from Immigration

 

 It is amazing to me how you can read something totally unrelated to anything you have been thinking about and WHAM....you suddenly see it with an entirely new viewpoint and the application comes into your mind seemingly out of nowhere.  I used to rarely even notice them or just dismiss it quickly as whatever. I have learned that paying attention to these teaching moments when they happen, because that is exactly what they are....lessons sent from a loving Heavenly Father to guide me back on course to where I need to be.  When I pay attention my testimony of my the Savior and His plan for me are strengthened.  Life is full of quiet lessons and tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father we just need to take the time to learn from them and acknowledge the treasured gifts and blessings that they are.

 

I have been spending a lot of quiet time reading and reflecting on a lot of things....and especially while Random Wisdom is sorting thru her stuff prepping to leave home for good and I have started to take an even deeper look around at my life and all the KRAP I have drug from place to place both physically and internally.  I have begun to realize....

 



The Dangers of Baggage.....!!!

 

I have been thinking a lot lately about all the stupid, heavy useless krap we insist on dragging with us every single step we take... the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual baggage.  Then there is the "just junk" that doesn't really fit in any particular pile...but we faithfully carry it along too...just cause we can...with a big HUGE Rear view mirror strapped to our foreheads (more on that darn mirror later)  we ALL have  them no matter who we are or where we come from. 

I'M JUST ASKIN...WHY??? 

 

 What is it about that ugly old broken down luggage?

 What is it that makes us hang on to it sooo tight?

Why do we continually let it cut us so deeply??

Why do we accept it as part of who/what we are??

Why do we allow it to have all the control??

Why do we let everyone around us think this is who we really are?

Why do we let guilt & shame continue to use us for a punching bag??

 

When do we finally stand up & and yell...

....THIS IS STILL MY LIFE

 

 

 

I do understand that it's not often as easy to do as that and a ton of our baggage can't be thrown off on our own.  We need to find the help to work thru and unchain ourselves but I believe that if we humbly and earnestly want to cut ourselves free the FIRST call we need to make is to our Heavenly Father...then quietly listen and act on what he tells us to do.  I know that being quiet and listening can be a challenge all on it's own.   What will probably take the biggest leap of faith and bravery..."TO DO" and not just hear....cause I am pretty sure it WILL be outside our usual comfort zone.  That is just kinda how that "growth" thing tends to work

 

What we need to remember (cause I know it is tough sometimes) when those chains start to tighten and those wretched bags get heavier is that...we need to Keep faithful &  obedient He will NOT leave our side.  He knows how we feel because has cried these tears and felt the anguish of our baggage before us. He is the only one who really knows and understands exactly what we are feeling and how heavy our baggage really is.

Ask Him

He is There

I have Felt Him

 

 

    I think it would be a gross understated to say my life hasn't been completely over-run with all things wedding. On one hand time is dragging on and on the other it is slower then a snail.  As much as I feel this.....it is a million times worse for Random Wisdom and her fiancé.  They have been waiting for 7 months for US immigration to issue a fiancé visa so they can pick a date and get married.....sad and frustration for them.

    Finally this last couple of weeks we have gotten some updates so the end is in sight....even if the date can't be set yet.  We now know that there is a packet on its way here with instructions for her on the interview and the medical along with a list of all necessary paperwork she needs for this interview step.  Talk about all the hoops they make you jump thru!!!  It some days makes you stop and think that even though we have done and continue doing this the "legal" way ( the only way we would ever consider doing it)....the get married and figure it out later seems like the easier path....I guess that saying is true "nothing worth while is ever easy"

     It was a difficult day when she had to cancel the Temple, photographer, reception venue and the decoration people.  This long & frustrating path has one major benefit/blessing ..it has shown them that can face & overcome whatever challenges that will get thrown at them in the future...it  has brought them closer together and jelled them as a unit solid in their love and fully committed to each other...a real team...it has been inspiring.   There could very easily (& understandable) been much "weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth" during this time but they owned up to the fact that this was their decision so they have no right to be angry & miserable about it...instead they just take each day at a time moving ever forward...I am so proud of both of them!!!

    Our job at this moment is to just sit back and continue in faith knowing that the Lord is ever mindful and that in His time all will come together as it should...but to be honest....some days that is WAY harder then others..

The first order of business (while waiting for the visa) is selling her car.  It has been listed on every site we could find and though there have been a lot of hits and views....no calls...argg!!!  It allows her great independence and convenience..it needs to go and get this financial burden off her back.

     So....with this latest heat/humidity wave we have been in...(which by the way...feels like it has been forever...just sayin) I have to admit I have been doing....well....not much that involves any physical excursion.  To say I have been hibernating in my AC house would be pretty accurate...we all gotta do what we gotta do.  I am definitely the odd person out in my family as they all LOVE the hot summer days and according to the ever-wise VoR...."you can't whine about the heat, then complain about the cold"....so I don't....complain about the cold that is....lol

     Consequently (when wedding planning is in "PARK" mode) I have been enjoying some old favorite movies and picking up the occasional book.  I say "occasional" cause I kind of  have a love/hate relationship.....if a book doesn't grab me within the first 40-50 pages it doesn't get a second chance and it has been a serious drought these last quite a few months....so I have returned to an old favorite (light mindless fluff really) and it has hooked my interest in the printed world again.

     The upside is that I have widened my focus and started researching the "fitness" side of things...walking, diet and fitness as I have started to try and build up some cancer lost stamina and interest.  I have started working out again (now that my boobless side is beginning to be less tender and swollen...thanks to lymphatic drainage massage...don't knock it till you try it...and hopefully none of you will feel the need to try.  Now don't get all impressed...I am using the phrase "work out" very liberally....what I am actually doing is walking and kitchen dance partying a little again. I find it totally unfair that my mind remembers all the hard/great work I did last year losing those 30+ lbs (pre-cancer) but my body/muscles don't have the slightest clue what I'm talking about or that it ever happened...ARGGG!!!! So much for that "muscle memory" theory krap!!! 



 



    Now...I am NOT willing to give it up but boy do I have to start slow all over again...BTW...still don't have that pacing myself figured out...so I will just crank my tunes louder so I can't hear the "are you out of your mind", "WE don't do this", "you are gonna pay in pain when we get home", that my body screaming at me.

 It isn't fair (not that having cancer is) having to lose that same 30lbs all over again...
& NOT because I decided to slack off it REALLY SUCKS...just sayin