Let me start by saying the plan and focus for this entry really was....

 

My Post Chemo Wish list...

(starting with the anticipated return of NOSE HAIR)

 

But sometimes things just don't go according to plan....let me back up just a bit...the evening of my Triumphant End to CHEMO...

 

     It is truly amazing how we deal with the changes to our "Norm"...we really only have two or three choices....we either "buck against the bitt" (cowboy wisdom), throw a HUGE "Hissy Fit" or crumble into the boggy pit we all know as "weeping, wailing and WHOA IS ME" that is the result of the ENORMOUS weight & crippling effect these BIG life changes bring along for the ride. I just see my way thru life with a little different shade of glasses on...

 

I DON'T say any of this to imply/say/or even ever think that I am in anyway better then anyone else who struggles or carries the weight of this "New Norm/Illness" differently then I do...I just have the been blessed with the legacy of having been raised as one of a

 LONG line of STRONG STRAIGHT SHOOTING WOMAN
 always armed & anchored with quiet courage & solid faith 

(who's motto and outlook always was/is..) 

 

"When the krap hits the fan & you need to STAND UP and FACE IT HEAD ON...

"Strap on those Big Girl Panties knowing that

"IT IS WHAT IT IS...

SO SUCK IT UP AND GET'ER DONE".

 

     I know we all need to find our own path thru this new landscape and it is up to us whether we see a monster sea of boulders & pits or a new wilderness with rises, falls & stones thrown up to stumble on if we don't keep our eyes on the path we have been given. We  do need to remember that with each new path comes the new learning curve and even knowing we need to watch our steps (guided though they are) for those "little new stumbling rocks"...It is HUGE SHOCK when in the blink of an eye you get totally blindsided by those little stones that suddenly turned into HUGE BOULDERS!!!!  Seeming to come out of nowhere....scaring the KRAP out of you with their swiftness!!

 

     My 2hrs of "just feeling off" that ended in 5 mins of "something is wrong" to the full blown "CALL 911" was the scariest time I have ever been thru. What started as that classical feeling of foreboding that they say us women always feel, to the pressure in the chest, to the hard to breath, to palpitations that suddenly turned to listening to my heart beat racing increasingly faster (I couldn't count fast enough to keep up) knowing there was nothing I could do to keep it from exploding in my chest. Then AS suddenly as it started....it started to slow down and by the time the ambulance was here....it was over. Needless to say...I have been watching for symptoms and taking it REALLY mellow and have now been referred to the Cardio-Oncology Unit.You know what that will surely mean...more test & blood work!! YUP..Missing my PICC already!! 

 

     I have known from the beginning that I travel this journey held tightly in the arms of my Savior and I know that He was there to save and protect me once again as He has done in the past. I KNOW that He knows me and every breath I take and beat of my heart. I KNOW that I am okay and this is just one of those stones on my new path (this too shall pass) that stretches out far ahead of me...and that all these lessons I learn along the way are there to make me into what the Lord has designed me to be for  HE is the Master Builder/My Father and sees the whole picture...

 

The Whole Me