OPPS....blame it on "chemo brain" (I figure...use it while you can) anyway....

 

This was actually supposed to post just after New Years and it ended up in the "draft" file....

I reread it and decided to post it anyway. I didn't feel like I could/should just gloss over it like it didn't happen cause it sure did.  It truly reflected where I was at that moment and how I honestly felt ...(not anymore btw)

 

SOOOOO...in the spirit of

"full and honest disclosure"

 

 HERE YOU GO...

WOW....time flies...some weeks....this just happened to one of them.... I have been a smidge preoccupied with "HoP" and seeing her finally home from the NICU and chemo last Friday...I have either been sleeping or checking on baby...add on to that the fact that I really struggled with IF I should post this one....but I know it is important for you to understand that I "get this" and I don't always live thru this disease with rose colored glasses on.....so here you go.

.  Interestingly HoP's arrival with her premee issues really sent me off onto an afternoon of SERIOUS Pity Partying and reflection.  Now just to clear the air....although this cancer dance has been far easier then I (deep down thought/anticipated) hoped it would be....there have been moments of SERIOUS PITY  PARTY and SUCKINESS.  I have kept those moments tucked away safely within the confines of my own private space....with the exception of a couple quick moments that escaped and flashed to the surface for VoR to get a glimpse of.  As he has tried to be strong and protect me...I have tried to shield him from these, but I'm pretty sure he suspects....

     Overall....it has been good and I have felt great....tired and falling asleep at the drop of a hat (way new experience for me....kinda diggin it!!) then some monumental family moments happen that you are without the power to share or drop and run to help and you get a real severe reality slap in the face and heart.  You can be all "whatever" about missing stuff but when you are powerless to be there for your child as they face a scary and difficult moment in their own life....your perspective is clear and the fact that you are held powerless (captive) by this redonkulas illness.  As much as you know in your gut HONESTLY believe and tell yourself....I have always said "I have cancer it DOES NOT have me"...times like this....it sure feels like it's winning...cancer has me.  The power it has to still rear it's ugly head and trump all your good Karma and intentions and leaves you sometime painfully aware that you are stuck on the sidelines watching your family move thru monumental stuff...both good exciting and bad exciting chapters in the role of "bystander"without the ability to be physically involved is a crushing and hard pill to swallow.  Random Wisdom getting gushy and all "girly" about her new ring and upcoming wedding, and little HoP struggling to breath in the beginning  and just wanting to scoop her up in my arms and give her some "Grams" love and tender words (cause it's almost as good as a kiss from mom making it "all better") and gathering Pragmatically Speaking up and just be his mommy right now helping to carry his load..cause let's just be honest here...in really harrowing moments we all really just want our moms to come flying in and carry us thru..."save the day".... I know I still do and she has been gone over 2 decades.

     So you see....every now and then cancer throws up this huge bill board that says..

"Jokes on you sucker...I"m here and I am sure as shooting gonna take everything and knock the wind out of your sails cause I am in charge and I have just been playin with ya...til now"