Well....the result are all in and with no big surprises....a full right side mastectomy is the verdict.  This isn't a big shock since we knew from the 2nd biopsy sites that if anything was found...it would be game over for that "girl". VoR and I have read (love the boob book...BTW) and talked at great length about the different scenarios and so we had already come to terms with this possible reality. There was no "weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth" or wondering how each other felt and thought...just a quiet peace  that this is the right thing to do. They have a surgery opening next week so I don't have much time to stew and worry over it and what all the implications of the surgery's aftermath are...for me...that is a good thing!! At this point (as far as they know so far) the lymph nodes are all clear so further treatment will be minimal..but that can change once they are in surgery

     I have to admit though....I was surprised by the reaction I did have once I got home and had some alone time.  I'm so NOT devastated to lose the "old girl" but I think it's more the disappointment that I couldn't "win" my way out of this.  I have a real sense of failure at losing this stage of the fight on behalf of my boob. It's kinda like I had let myself  (and it)down...almost a sense of betrayal...on behalf of my boob but at the same time feeling  betrayed by my boob....confusing I know.  It is a much harder pill to swallow ...feeling like I just "tapped out" and let this ugly, busy little Troll win this round.

     My only point of concern/wonder/questioning is the fact that we are leaving the left one....which at the moment is cancer free...."at the moment".  Knowing myself pretty well after all these years though....the thought of every time I have it tested, feel a bump, have a pain....the immediate thinking it has been "trolled" will drive me crazy....and  I'm not sure that is a great way to live. They want me to wait a year so they can focus on the sick one and get all that healing done rather then have 2 sites to watch...and also to see if I still feel the same.  If so,  then they will remove it too and  reconstruct them both (unless I have already reconstructed the one first)....I'm thinkin....a year is a WAY long time to have this brewing in the back of my mind. I guess we will just wait and see how it goes.....always taking it one day at a time....the priority it to get the "troll infected" one gone before it can get worse.

     At any rate....we are now at the point of stepping out of the "kiddie pool" and jumpin  head first into the "grown-up" one....I just have to keep reminding myself that my "Life guard" is always on duty and will hold me up when it gets to deep and I just can't float....cause honestly....I am a worse then a lousy swimmer...good thing He knows that!!!