I have had a few "AH HA" moments....well maybe more like "DUH" moments along this journey but especially in the last week.
As the gong show of the PICC line continues...I have been in Emerg a couple of nights for a few hours. At first I thought..."wow...this moves really quick here..they get you right in" followed quickly by..."everyone is so friendly and smiley"....then I looked in the mirror and once again being surprised by my shaved head realize that what I thought were random friendly people were in actual fact seeing this "poor bald uni-boobed cancer patient". It isn't that I don't understand that I am sick....I just tend to forget about it mostly....YES I am nauseated, not much of an appetite and tired a lot...I just forget it's what it is. For example...I was really annoyed with myself yesterday because I still felt mostly "under the weather" and it has been 6 days....get over it already, I should be feeling better...then it's OH YA....this doesn't get better like the flu....this is gonna be around for the next 14wks (at least). It is just little silly things that remind me what I am doing. It is really quite astonishing to me that I can be so blasé about this entire ordeal....it shouldn't...but sometimes it really does. What a great blessing to be at such peace about everything and have that sweet assurance that "All is well" and the Lord is in charge.
I am really sad that with all the silliness going on with me that I actually (for the first time in decades) missed all the sessions of General Conference. I will have to catch up online as I love to hear the messages from the leadership of the church. There is always something said that is exactly what I was praying about...to get such inspired instruction and direction is a real tender mercy from the Lord. I love the sweet assurance that I get that He is truly in charge and has me in his great embrace as I stumble and fast-track my way thru this mess going on around me now. I was randomly flipping thru my scriptures and came across a couple of verses that really spoke to me this last week as I seriously began the "ugly" stage (don't get your knickers in a knot...I know I'm not ugly....the chemo part is ugly). They just really moved me,,,
"Be still and know that I am God"
"Stop and Stand Still"