Thankfulness

THANK YOU NIKKI....your unconditional love and friendship and blog brilliance have forever changed my life....You know what you mean to me!!! Thanks for sharing this little blurb I do with the world you create. To all who have come and sat under my tree ... Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!!!! Your emails of support, humor, love are so amazing to me.

     I have to say that my mind is going a hundred miles an hour!!!!! I'm sure if you were here you could not only see the flames but smell the smoke coming out of my ears from by brain frying!!!

     I am trying to get my house....well... specifically really my little corner (office/control center/edge of chaos/etc...etc) ready for when I start feeling lousy...cause I am sure that is coming....so I have a peaceful place to come and do this, email loved ones, skype with friends, read, relax....you get the picture. We just finished renovating and so things were a smidge (ok...a lot) out of whack. The Voice of Reason (VoR for short...you will hear me talk about him a ton....cause He is my split apart) has worked long and hard to make it beautiful for me along with a ton of other rooms in our home and so I rush to get the pictures hung and stacks un-piled. I have always known I had a gift...it is in my gene make up really....I am a Pilot...there is not a pile of papers that I don't know exactly how far down something is and can retrieve it on demand....don't judge...my mom and sisters and daughters all rock at this too...just ask our families (see in our genes.) Krap...I digress!!! ANYWAY...it has been a long process but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. There are no longer stacks on the floor and my flat surfaces....are FLAT...who knew!!! I have a couple of extra projects that are on a deadline so they are messing up the new digs but when they are done and the final pictures are up....it will be everything I had hoped for.

     I have had some moments lately of almost forgetting I have a life threatening disease. VoR brought me home a book that a good friend/survivor suggested I read. It was hugely intimidating (all 708 pages) but she made me promise to only read to where I am at on this path and not look ahead...so I have done that and so I guess the limited info that I have and not having yet met with specialist just yet...it almost sometimes feels like a non-issue. Then I think "WAIT A TICK!!!"

     I think I should be feeling all sorts of wild emotions that I just can't seem to bring myself to feel. If for a split second my mind tries to go into the icky/ugly/messy stuff that is ahead I hear this voice say to me "It's okay, I've got this" and then I am filled with the most amazing sense of peace and love. I have really tried to go to that darker/"more realistic" place/frame of mind/attitude whatever you call it about this and I JUST CAN'T....because for that I am so full of gratitude to my Savior and I AM okay with that.